Fighting Myself
This has been a rough week for me. Physically and emotionally.
Sunday night landed me in the ER with chest pain. Wasn’t really my idea, but I work on a cardiac unit and they take chest pain sort of serious up there. My coworkers informed me either I was walking down to the ER or they were going to Rapid Response my ass. Needless to say I walked down.
Had a full cardiac workup and once again my heart looks good. First diagnosis was Pleuritis, basically a inflammation of the lining of your lungs. I didn’t buy it, I’ve had it before and it didn’t feel this way. I had my follow up appointment at my brand new family doctor yesterday (LOVE) and she didn’t agree with the doctor either. She thinks it’s an issue with the tissue between my ribs. Luckily the treatment is the same for both ailments, so hopefully I am on my way to recovery.
The issue? With the chest pain comes the anxiety. The panic attacks have been alive and kicking this week. Only now the dirty panic filled wench comes with a brand new symptom in her already full arsenal. For the first time ever, my panic attacks are affecting my breathing. I am getting immense pressure at the base of my throat. I always CAN breathe, but it gives the feeling like you aren’t going to be able to.
It is awful. And terrifying. And generally sucks more than anything I have ever experienced. I am getting an ultrasound of my thyroid on Monday just in case, but the doctor really thinks the throat issue is anxiety related. So now I have one more thing to fight my own body with. This game is really getting old.
I am really just over all of this. I would give a lot to go back to July 5th 2005, one day before my first panic attack. It was the last day I was truly free and I miss that carefree girl.
The One That I Struggle With Every Day
I struggle with anxiety.
I fight fear daily.
I have tried so many times to explain my panic attacks to various people.
Doctors. Family. Friends.
I try to make them see that my life is great. That I am not upset about anything. That there is nothing that I can really do to control it.
My attacks are mainly physical. I basically just let me head run away with little symptoms.
That little ache in my left calf? BLOOD CLOT.
The headache behind my right eye? TUMOR.
Swollen lymph node even though I was just sick? LYMPHOMA.
I don’t run to the doctor with all my little issues, I know deep down that they are crap. But in my head, for a few minutes…they are out of control.
I do try and avoid certain situations. I haven’t been on a plane since 2004, three months before my first panic attack. I am not scared of the plane crashing. I am not scared of the people. I am terrified of having a panic attack in public. Of not being able to leave if I wanted to. Of maybe, just maybe…actually having a heart attack, or a pulmonary embolism or any other host of issues that could occur. Of no one being there that could help me.
One of the main reasons I looked for jobs at the hospital? There is an emergency room right downstairs, with plenty of people around who are trained to HELP me if I need it. It’s so ridiculous.
When I go to a new place, I usually find where the nearest hospital is…just in case. Being in NYC this past August was incredibly difficult for me. I was there with no car, with no security net. Without my husband, without my rock. I got through it, but really only because I COULDN’T leave. I think I would have gone home if I could. Main reason I didn’t have a car? I was too scared to make the drive home alone.
I fight with this every single day. It is exhausting. I’m so tired of it.
The Perfect Job
I had an interview on Tuesday.
For a job that would have been PERFECT for me. An exact fit.
It was a drop in hours…but we could have afforded it.
It would have been worth it.
She offered it to me.
I couldn’t take it.
Why? Why not take the perfect job? The one I have been waiting for?
The position wasn’t benefited. I needed ONE more shift every two weeks to be in a benefited position.
I carry the insurance for my family, my husband’s job doesn’t offer it.
I passed on the perfect job.
I’m heartbroken…but we have insurance and are healthy.
Eventually, I will get my perfect job.
Blogher: Introduction To ME!
My little corner of the Internet is buzzing. In two! weeks I will be on my way to Philadelphia International to pick up Jenn from the airport. After some serious SQUEEEEEEEEing we will be on our way back to my humble little suburb for the evening. Two! weeks from tomorrow we will wake up on HER BIRTHDAY and mosey our way up to the Big Apple courtesy of chauffeur services demanded offered by my darling husband. (Thanks babe!)
Anywhoo. I’ve never been to BlogHer before so I can’t offer up any advice for newbies (me) and while I havebeen to NYC more times than I can count…I still get lost, so no sightseeing advice either. So. Here is what I got. A little bit about me even though I am under no illusion that I am interesting enough for anyone to truly care, hee hee.
- I am extremely awkward. Even more so around large groups. Pair that with a couple thousand women I don’t know and you will likely find me in a pool of stuttering mess.
- However…I LOVE to talk. Once you get me going I am a good time, I promise!
- I have panic attacks. I am not overly dramatic about them, but if you see me and I look like a deer in headlights? A hug would be in order. Please and Thank You. Need a hand to hold yourself? Mine will always be available.
- I dislike dressing up. While I will probably throw on a casual dress at some point during the conference, chances are I will feel somewhat out of place in it. I’ll deal. It’s cool.
- My list of people I MUST hug is about 3 pages long. Most of my absolutes have sent me cell phone numbers to ensure we find each other in the swarm of yapping women. If you haven’t and want to meet me? Send me an email with your cell to ali-at-mylifewiththem-dot-com. Capice?
- If I am for some reason on your list of people you want to meet…come talk to me! I am fairly shy though I put on a good game sometimes. *cough twitter cough* I am NO good about approaching groups alone. I am going to work on this, but…we will see.
- I have serious ADD. Oh look, something shiny! What? Who? Where was I?
- I have smaller feet than the rest of my roomies. No shoe swaps for me. Sad Panda.
- I have NEVER been away from my husband overnight unless I was in the hospital after having his babies. Can’t say that I cared much then. This is going to be a totally new experience for me. I may need someone to spoon with.
- I’m looking for someone to go walk around NYC on Thursday afternoon with the sole intention to take some pictures for a couple hours. Nothing long or crazy. Just a buddy to shoot with.
- I will be at the Starbucks in the Hilton numerous times throughout the conference. Coffee meet-ups are a must.
- I have boring hair.
- I fidget.
- I like Jager bombs and I like Blue Moon even more.
- I have no desire to be DRUNK at any point. I would like to maintain a constant level of tipsy. Let’s do that.
- I have some guilt about leaving the boys and coming to this conference at all. I am going to try damn hard to tell the guilt to suck it and have a good time.
- Have I mentioned I want to meet you?
De-Lurk PLEASE! Leave a comment, I want to know what is going on with you!
Are you coming to BlogHer? Are you partying with the Blogher-at-Home ladies? Are you doing something else insanely awesome that weekend? Are you stuck working?
Grumble Grumble.
I’m grumpy today. So I am going to enlighten you all with an incredibly unoriginal post about what makes me grumpy. And annoyed. And generally just pissed the eff off. Cause you KNOW you really want to know.
* When the mailman pulls into our development right as I am pulling out. I am SO OCD about getting the mail and it makes me nuts to have to go to work without getting it out of the mailbox.
* People who come to the ER seeking detox and then sign themselves out AMA (against medical advice) 30 minutes after they get admitted. HOLY PAPERWORK BATMAN. So irritating.
*Being damp. I worked at my serving job on Wednesday night and when they washed the floors in the kitchen the cuffs of my pants got wet. Then I sat down and they touched my bare calf. EWWWWWW.
*The fact I dumped an entire plate of Chinese food that I was SO looking forward to eating all over my car yesterday.
*Trying to wrangle the kids + diaper bag + work bag + lunch ALL the way to another parking lot to my car because they are resealing the macadam in front of our house. WTF. The freaking pavement was fine before. Fuckers. They are out to get me.
*Pumping my own gas. You would think that after 10 years in this god forsaken state I would be used to it. But no. I miss living in New Jersey.
* Knowing that class starts back up again in two weeks from Monday. I wouldn’t care so much if I wasn’t taking a math class. Me and math? We don’t really see eye to eye.
*Having no kiddie medicine in the house because it all got fracking recalled.
*Knowing that if I get into the nursing program that I want I will be able to do NOTHING fun next summer. Nothing. At. All.
Sigh. I’m depressing myself. Hope everyone has a great weekend!
Recap…
This has been an insane week for us in case you can’t tell by the haven’t blogged in 10 days thing. Oops.
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I did some in-hospital training for my job. I went to a dysrhythmia class. Holy Hell. It was brutal people…brutal. However, amidst the bouts of people in the class crying(not me) it was actually super interesting. I am now certified to watch the cardiac monitors at work and I can also tell you what it going on on an EKG. Pretty cool.
Thursday was Jim and I’s 3rd wedding anniversary. His mom took the boys at noon and we spent the day together. We went shopping and to the driving range to hit some golf balls. Then we went to dinner at a super yummy italian place in town…SO GOOD.
Then I ended up in the ER because I hadayuckyinfectiononmyfingerandithadtogetlancedanditSUCKED.
For sure the way I wanted to end my anniversary. Gah.
Friday I was back to work on Telemetry(my normal floor) and I work the weekend.
Monday I am in the monitor room at work.
TUESDAY I AM OFF THANK THE SWEET BABY JESUS.
The End. I miss you.
Valentines Day Can Suck It
Valentines Day. A day of love. A day of red and pink and hearts and teddy bears and candy.
I am not a fan.
I’m sure some of my feelings go back to elementary school and middle school when I was, ahem, less than popular. The school had a little activity where you could buy a carnation for a dollar and on Valentines Day it would be laying on the desk of the recipient during home room.
Yeah. I had none of that. I may be a bit bitter.
From high school until the present I have pretty much had a significant other every.single.Valentines Day.
It really hasn’t improved my view of it. At all.
Jim and I came to a compromise. Both of our birthdays are in March and our wedding anniversary is in April…I’m sorry but I am just not creative enough to come up with gifts for all those holidays that close together. So we only do homemade stuff for our Valentines. I pull out the trusty scrap booking box (Don’t tell UndomesticDiva) and get to work. I spend hours making it just right.
Then he comes home with something he threw together in 10 min and somehow it is COOLER than mine.
I hate artistic types, and I hate Valentines. I am a Valentines Day Scrooge. Ba Humbug.
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