I was asked to write my story as part of an open forum. Check it out.
All was well as I sat at my computer desk playing Snood. I had had a long day at work and was looking forward to some time to relax. My roommate had just left and my boyfriend was at work, giving me the house to myself. I had no plans except to watch some TV and eat my takeout I had picked up on my way home. Little did I know, my life was literally about to change forever.

“Man, my chest feels funny.” I thought as I sat there playing. There was an odd sensation in my chest, almost a tightening, and my throat felt a bit thick. I got up from the computer and walked into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I stood there for a moment with my hand braced on the edge of the sink and my head down. My stomach was a bit queasy at this point and I didn’t want to leave the bathroom if I was going to get sick. After staring at myself in the mirror for a minute and reassured I wasn’t going to get sick, I walked back into my room and resumed my game.

That didn’t last long. Within minutes I was terrified. My heart was racing so fast, I felt like I had just participated in a track meet, rather than sitting in a chair playing a game. My chest was tight, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to breathe and I was getting waves of chills and pins and needles that began behind my ears and worked their way down my entire body to my feet. “What is wrong with me?” I was screaming to myself. The only thing going through my mind was that I was having a heart attack. This must be what that feels like…what else could it be? I picked up my phone and called my roommate. “Come home! I’m having a panic attack!”

The words were out of my mouth before I even realized I was thinking them. Was that what this was? Why was this happening to me? I am not a stressed out person: I have a good job, great friends and a boyfriend who I love dearly, what did I have to panic about? My roommate came home and took one look at me and told me that we were going to the hospital.

God, I didn’t think I was going to make it. I felt like the 7 minute trip to the hospital took an hour. I rushed up the steps to the emergency room and told the triage nurse that my chest hurt and I couldn’t breathe. She took me into a room and strapped some monitors on me. My heart rate was elevated my blood pressure was high. Not normal for a healthy 22 year old girl. They ordered an EKG and did some blood work; now all I could do was play a waiting game. I lay in that hospital bed, my brain racing. I was sure I was going to die. People didn’t feel like this unless they were dying. It just wasn’t possible.

My test results were all normal. My heart was healthy and there were no blood clots. I was told I had a severe panic attack and given some Xanax to calm myself down. The ER doctor told me to follow up with my family doctor on Monday. I did that and everything they told me to but 4 years later I am still plagued by panic attacks. I have been to the emergency room more times than I can count, and tried every medication they could think of. Yet I am a victim of the attacks. I plan my life around what I would do in any situation if I had one at any given time.

But I am stronger than they are.

I am slowly learning to cope, and control my body without medication. I make myself  go on trips, do things I wouldn’t have been able to do 3 years ago because of the crippling fear of the attacks. I deal daily with chest pain and discomfort, but know that my mind is tricking my body into thinking it is in danger when it is not. Hopefully my progress will continue and one day I will be panic attack free. Right now…I just take what I can get.