Tuesday – Poop Day
I was awakened very early this morning by a naked little Chase-face informing me. “I wanna put my jammies on.”
He had his jammies rolled in a ball in his arms, as well as his undies. Suddenly I was wide awake. “Why are you naked buddy? Why did you take them off?”
“I pooped” he replied.
I eyed the pile of clothes on my bed with horror. Could it be? Was there a pile of crap filled pajamas on my haven of sleep?
“Where did you poop? Did you have an accident?”
“NOOOOO Mommy! I pooped in the potty downstairs!”
I relaxed a little and Chase climbed up on my bed, tucking his legs under his bare booty. My heart sung with pride that my three year old GOT UP AND POOPED all by himself. I told him what a good big boy he was and that he could watch some extra Dora today. His smile went ear to ear and his chest puffed out with pride.
Then he hopped off my bed and I looked down to see a poop smear on my too many to count count sheets.
“CHASE! YOU NEED TO WIPE!”
Gah. Can I go back to bed now?
They Are My Therapy
11:15 pm. I am laying in bed watching a movie featuring a gloriously good looking young man. I have to get up at 5:30am but I can’t sleep. I toss and turn, smushing my pillow this way and that under my head. I search for the cool spots on the bed with no luck, but I still keep our blanket covering most of me. I always sleep like that.
A familiar tingle runs up my spine and I pray that this wasn’t going to turn into a full blown panic attack. I feel my heart begin to speed up and I throw the covers off and sit on the edge of the bed, attempting to get my body back into control. I stand up and walk halfway down the hallway to the room that holds the two innocent lives that I am responsible for. I have to keep my shit together…I can’t lose it until someone else is here with them. I turn back and go into my bathroom instead, holding on to the counter for dear life. I look up into my reflection and see sheer terror in my eyes. I try to tell myself that I have felt like this before and didn’t die…but my head doesn’t listen. Everything in my body screams that this time is different. This time I will die.
I wish Jim was home.
I go down the stairs and turn the air conditioning up a few notches. I slowly walk back up the steps, trying to keep my heart rate from going any higher than it already is. My cell phone is tightly clenched in my fist, I need to have it near me in case I need it. I am headed back into my room when I decide to go in and look at the boys.
I step over the gate at their door and enter their room. I walk over to Jimmy’s crib first and gently rest my hand on his back. He arches against my hand and scoots his legs under his body bringing his little booty up in the air. I toss a light blanket over him and move on to Chase.
Chase has fallen asleep with 3 Matchbox Cars and a portion of their track. I pull all the toys out of his bed and slowly ease down beside him in his twin bed. Laying flat emphasizes how fast my heart is beating and my body is dying to get up. To move. To pace. Anything. I don’t move. I stay there and concentrate on the up and down of Chase’s chest. I concentrate on the warm weight of his head on my shoulder. I concentrate on them and once again, like so many other times, they save me.
Thinking Hurts My Brain…And My Heart
I have an appointment next Monday that I have been putting off for a long time.
The Dermatologist.
When I was pregnant with Chase my skin went through some caaaa-razy changes. I stressed over each and every one at first, and then pretty much just started ignoring all of them. Ya know…skin tags, blotches..all that highly glamorous stuff women deal with while growing a human.
However there was one skin occurance that was worrisome to me. A small lesion appeared on my chest, right between the ladies. When I say small..I mean SMALL. It is completely flesh colored, and much easier to feel than see. Over the last two years it has gotten bigger, but is still very small. There are actually three very small lesions of the same type there now. This is an area that I had frequent sunburns as a kid.
I ignored it and ignored it because that’s what I do.I don’t like going to the doctor and I like it even less when something could actually be wrong. I try to keep my head from running to the worst possible scenario but it does anyway. Google is not helping the situation at all, and for someone prone to panic attacks this is really just setting me over the edge.
I am praying that Dr.Skin has an answer for me. I am hoping there is something that he can tell me before he chops off a piece of my skin to be biopsied. If I have to wait for results with no indication of what is going on, I might truly lose it. I really don’t have it in me to deal with this. I’m emotionally exhausted and I can’t stop thinking about it.
What if I let it go too long?
What if it is cancer?
What will I do?
So people, I am asking for something I have never asked for before. I never thought I would ever ask anyone to do this for me.
PRAY.
Pray it’s a wart.
Snow Day
All day Friday there was a buzz around the hospital.
Snow. There is snow coming.
While I love my job, working in health care has it downsides. One being that NO MATTER WHAT…we are open. So when the Weather Channel is calling for 8-14 mother loving inches, peeps get worried yo. I have heard in years past of people getting stuck there…not being able to get home. I have heard of the hospital sending out ambulances to pick up employees and bring them to work. People were stressed out about it, rightfully so.
Me? I was off this weekend. Neener Neener Mr. Snowstorm.
However, had I been working I would have been pissing my pant. Me no drivey in da snow.
We woke up early on Saturday morning to a couple inches…maybe 3. It was starting to really cover, and you could barely see the grass sticking through. The snow was coming down steadily and I couldn’t believe it was supposed to keep coming until the next morning. No way, they were wrong…they always are, right? RIGHT? BUELLER?
The boys and I hunkered down to be snowed it. Jim had to work, but we hoped he would get out early(which he did, at about 8pm instead of 11pm). The boys love our slider and spent a good part of the day staring outside. Chase got a little worried after a while, because the “snow ate my slide”
Um, yeah. That’s a LOT of snow. Jimmy was wound up all day, and ran around like the small tornado he is.
I spent my fair share of time looking out the door watching the snow. I haven’t seen this amount since the Blizzard of ’96 which dumped almost 2 feet of snow and ice on my hometown in Southern New Jersey. As I watched,I caught a flash of color.
See her? That’s a robin who lives in the tress behind us. She was so beautiful against the stark whiteness of the snow.
Sunday came, along with cleaning off cars and playing in the snow for Chase. He helped Daddy…
Is it summer yet?
Slow Down!
It is no secret that my 10 month old is ridiculously mobile and always has been. The little force of nature was crawling at 5 months and has been walking since 8 months old. I think that some people my not quite understand HOW mobile he is.
Here ya go. 10 month old Jimmy Jamboree:
Eating Alone
I walked in and took my seat, placing my backpack on the floor next to me. I wished I had thought to go to my locker beforehand, but now I was going to have to wait. No one was allowed in the hallways in between bells without a hall pass and I definitely didn’t have one of those. Lunch was my least favorite period of the day, basically a free for all for the mean kids to say whatever they pleased.
I unzipped my book bag and propped it open. I didn’t pull out the brown paper bag my lunch was packed in, instead I unrolled the top and left it open but still in my bag. I rustled around in the overstuffed backpack, my hands searching for the paperback I was sure I had put in there that morning. Found it. I pulled it out and settled in to read. I couldn’t concentrate and found I was either reading the same paragraph over and over again, or I would be halfway done with a page before I realized I had no idea what had happened prior.
I crunched on pretzels and tried to empty my mind so I could read. I liked school, I really did. I was finding though that as I got older it was getting harder and harder to get along with the kids in my class. For the last few years I had found myself increasingly becoming the butt of the jokes and rumors that made their way around the school. Being eleven was proving to suck.
I didn’t understand it. I was painfully shy and wanted to keep to myself outside of my small group of close girlfriends. I didn’t want anything to do with the kids who felt the need to be cruel, but that didn’t stop the barrage of laughter that was pointed in my direction on a daily basis. I pinched the corner of the baggie that held my sandwich and brought it out of the bag.
Yuck. Peanut butter and Jelly again. I shoved the soggy slices of bread back into the bag, leaning down and searching for something else with one hand, my eyes still on the book. My fingers found the juice box I was looking for and I drank it down quickly, sucking on the straw until there was no air left in the container. I could feel the suction against my lip and there was a slight popping noise when I broke contact.
I shifted on the seat and hoped the thirty six minutes that was allotted for our lunch was almost over. The bell rang. YES! I got up quickly, threw my book into my bag and zipped it. I walked slowly towards the door and braced myself.
Then I pulled open the door of the girl’s bathroom and walked out into the hallway, back into the company of kids who made school hell for me
This post was written as a weekly writing challenge for Write of Passage. Come write with us.
A Much Needed Break
This weekend was exactly what I needed. I literally have not left my home since I got home from work on Friday night. Ah-Mazing.
I got to spend some much needed one on one time with my boys. I have really been missing them this week. Last week, while trying to get the house ready to move, I sent them to their Mom-Mom’s on my days off so I could get some things done. It helped me tremendously…but it broke my heart to not be able to spend that time with them.
The boys are loving the new house, there is much more room for them to take over with their thousands of trucks and blocks and balls and pointy things that hurt when I step on them.
They are also big fans of moving due to the boxes required
Jimmy managed to snag the best seat in the house
Then? The best thing that could possibly happen on a weekend when you don’t want to leave the house happened. It started to snow! We had some snow last year that I am sure Chase doesn’t really remember and this is for sure Jimmy’s first real snow, other than the storm he was born during.
The boys stood at our slider and watched the snow come down all day, but Chase was being elusive and didn’t want his picture taken. Stinker.
All in all it was an amazing weekend home with my babies, who are getting so big so fast.
Even my Cullen baby is growing up and now has grown in his front teeth, so I no longer have a baby vampire..
And Chase? He is just getting more and more grown up right before my very eyes.
14 Days!
We are moving in 2 weeks.
Um. Holy Shit.
Originally we were all set to move on the 15th of December. Would have been challenging, but possible. 2 weeks? Not even close to being in the realm of possible.
I have 5 days off until the 1st. 5! One of those being Thanksgiving, so you know my FattyPattiness will be spending that day stuffing myself with all the yummy food that my mother in law will make. NomNom. No amount of packing will keep me from diving head first into my plate of mashed potatoes and gravy, and pumpkin pie.
So that leaves 4 good packing/productive days off. I am so excited to move, I really like the new house we are renting and I think it will be great for the boys. I am just so overwhelmed by the amount there is to do.
Not only do all the closets need to be packed…but they need to be gone through. I’ve been spending my mornings convincing myself that it’s OK to be donating all the teeny tiny baby clothes. That it’s OK that I am getting rid of the nursery decorations and am redoing their new room. That it’s OK that I gave away the swing and jumperoo. That it’s OK that all my size 4 jeans are being donated because this mama’s hips will NEVER go back to where they were, regardless of how skinny I become.
That it’s OK for them to grow up…and maybe us too.
Missed
I don’t write anymore.
This isn’t writing, at least not for me. I used to really write. It was effortless, my pen would touch my notebook and the words would pour out of me. I would read it over and almost not believe that the perfectly intertwined thoughts had actually made their way out of my head.
I miss it. I think a lot about what has changed, why I can’t ever seem to make anything sound right to me. Sometimes I think it is because I rarely sit down with pen and paper. Sometimes I think it is because I don’t get any time to really sit and think.
Mostly I think it is because I am happy.
The writing that I am most proud of came during some of my darkest times. It was born of heartbreak and misery. It was written with tears in my eyes and a shaking hand. It was written in fierce anger, my teeth tearing at my bottom lip. It was written faster than I even knew I was thinking, my mind almost numb while tying to protect itself.
I don’t live with those feelings that inspired some of my best anymore. I have put them behind me, not forgotten but closed in a room I have no reason to visit. I am not on a ship in a rocky sea, trying so hard to hang on. I am stable and I have both my feet planted on solid ground. I am happy. I am loved.
It’s a fair trade, but I still miss it.
I am so going through Twitter withdrawal. This whole working full time thing is not good for my social like in any way, shape or form!
Anyway. Today is day 3 of The Job.
It.Is.Insane.
So busy. I knew I was on the second busiest unit of my hospital, but wow. I didn’t expect this. Peeps…take good care of your hearts. Weez iz too busy for you, yo.
The boys are doing AWESOME at their sitters! YAY! Big, Huge, GIGANTIC relief for Mommy. *wipes brow* C spends the whole day running around with a huge smile on his face. He is so happy to have someone to play with besides “brudder” that he doesn’t even know what to do with himself. It is so great to see him having such a good time there.
J has his moments, but he is doing as well as can be expected. He is napping well, and is easily calmed but is a bit overwhelmed with the change of scenery and other kids. He is so happy to see me when I walk in, and I just eat it up! Soon, when I go to my normal evening shift I think it will actually be easier on him.
I’m tired, and I haven’t gotten to spend any time with the husband this week. That makes me cranky. We will get some time this weekend together though.
Overall things are going well and I think I am going to like this job and do well at it.
I am thrilled to be in the hospital where I delivered my babies, and where my husband was born.
I am learning so much and basically getting paid to learn things that I am going to have to learn in school anyway.
I am going to be able to provide awesome benefits for myself and family.
I am doing something that matters.
I am doing it.
*I miss you guys!*
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