Posts Tagged ‘People’
Helpless
This past year has had it’s moments. There has been times when I literally wanted to burn my laptop and never open it again, I just couldn’t handle any more of my friends in pain. I was an outsider on the most part, new to Twitter and blogging (publicly at least) and I hadn’t yet found my “tribe”. At least not here.
However, for the three years I have been blessed to be a member of the most close knit group of friends that I could ever imagine. We met on a message board when we were pregnant with our “big kids” and have been a constant presence in each others lives ever since.
We cry together, we laugh together. We vent about our spouses, we talk about all the gross pregnancy and after baby stuff there is to talk about. Cause dood…men just can’t handle all that.
This week I have felt helpless. Helpless that one of MY girls was suffering and I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, reach through the computer and hug her. I couldn’t ( for many reasons) get on a plane and go be with her after the devastating and unexpected loss of her mother.
I just don’t know how to help her.
I’m helpless.
Happy Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is for sure one of my favorite holidays. Not only is it the starting line to my favoriteholiday(Christmas!!) ,but it is a carb filled extravaganza that this fatty patty looks forward to all year.
In the years past I mostly concentrated on the food side of Thanksgiving. Well, that and football. This year though, with Chase being a bit older and more able to understand being thankful, I have been trying to explain to him the purpose of the day. He didn’t fully get the point, but he has been walking around telling all of his toys thank you and kissing them. So freaking cute.
This year has brought so many things that I am thankful for. It started out on January 27th with the birth of my baby Jimmy. While I am NOT thankful for 3 months of colic, this little man has brought us so much joy.
I am thankful for every minute that I get to spend with Chase. He is growing up so quickly, and becomes more able to take care of himself every day, even at two years old. He is dressing himself, and holding conversations that awe me every day.
I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that due to his hard work I got to be home with Chase for over two years and with Jimmy until 6 months. I do not take that time for granted. I am thankful for all that he does for us.
I am thankful to be working, and to have a job when so many people don’t. I will try to remember that when I am complaining.
I am thankful to be moving within 2 miles of a Starbucks on Monday.
I am thankful for the Internet. I have connected with so many amazing people in the last couple years, and am surprised every day at the level of our connections. I have been supported and lifted up so many times, and I am beyond grateful.
I am thankful for my health. While I have some small issues going on, overall I am well.
I am thankful to NOT be pregnant on Thanksgiving. It can really cramp a girls eating style.
Most of all I am just thankful to be able to wake up every day to people I love. I am able to open my laptop and talk to people that make me laugh. I go to work in a job I enjoy and find rewarding. I get to snuggle with my boys and nuzzle into their soft baby necks. I am able to feel my husband wrap his arms around me for a hug.
I am thankful for all of this and more.
Posted in Uncategorized | 
Tags: C, family, Jimmy, job, Love, momin' it up, People, sons, thanksgiving | 
2 Comments »
The Strength of Many
I don’t know why it even surprises me anymore.
Our community is strong.
The first time I saw it in action was after the passing of Heather and Mike’s sweet baby girl Maddie. I was a newborn to the blogging world and twitter, just dipping my toes in the social media world after years of Myspace and Facebook. The outpouring of love for this young family that was going through the unthinkable was quick and true.
We love you and we are going to find someway to help the best we can
This is the message that has been spread. People show their love and support through blog posts, hundreds and hundreds of them. When Mckmama’s warrior Stellan has headed to the hospital in critical condition multiple times over the last few months, the response has been the same.
We support you and want you to know you aren’t fighting alone.
Messages on Twitter are re-tweeted, and updates spread like wildfire. No one is left out of the loop. Everyone has an equal investment in the pain. No one dares suggest that because we are “only friends on the Internet” that we shouldn’t be upset. My own husband has given up trying to understand, as he watches me read “The Spohrs Are Multiplying” every morning, most days tears and laughter emitting from me together.
Our community is loving.
Anissa is a fabulous woman. I have only had the pleasure of direct interaction with her a handful of times, but over the course of my day she makes me laugh more than anyone on the interwebs. She is caring, strong, hilarious, gentle when needed, and quick….so quick to jump when a friend needs her.
She needs us. Anissa suffered a stroke yesterday and needs prayers if you’re the praying type, or just general good juju is you’re not. Gather up all the positive energy in your mind and send it towards an ICU bed in Atlanta.
Anissa, I am so hoping for a wonderful recovery for you. I fully expect you to be back and eating kittens soon.
**For updates and ways to help, please visit the Aiming Low website.**
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: Anissa, Faith., family, health, interwebs, life, Love, pain, People, relationships, twitter | 5 Comments »
Not The Same
I love Christmas. I love getting our tree. I love unwrapping ornaments and hanging them. I love Christmas music. I love hunting down the perfect dated ornament each year. I love all the cheesy Christmas movies that are on. I love driving around and looking at lights. I love shopping.
I especially loved the look on Chase’s face last year when he came downstairs on Christmas morning.
We made the Holidays a big deal last year. I was 6 weeks or so from my due date, and we really wanted to make it special for Chase. I’m so glad we did, since I got put on bed rest on New Years Eve and couldn’t do anything with him.
He got new blocks, and has been obsessed with building ever since. (Please ignore my prego-ness)
His Auntie Jessa got him this tent, his smile says it all.
Later, at MomMom and PopPop’s he played with his “cousin” Ammo.
In a very sweet moment, Chase’s Great PopPop played the piano with him.
Last Christmas was special for so many reasons. It was our last holiday as a family of 3. It was Chase’s first “real” Christmas.
Last year four generations of men in our family celebrated.
This year there will be only three.
We love and miss you PopPop D.
Time
I’ve been taking a bit of a step back from social media and the damn Internet in general in the last few days. Don’t worry, I’m still here…but I’m not allowing it to rule my days.
I spend a ridiculous amount of time with my fingertips on an electronic device. I check Facebook and Twitter, email and message boards that I am a part of. I have to check in on my bank accounts and school work. I poke in my Fantasy leagues to see how badly I’m losing (Matt, your on my shit list). I pull up Google Reader and read all my favorite blogs. Then when I’m finished, I end up starting at the beginning and checking them all again.
It really ends up being a way bigger part of my day then it needs to be and I think that needs to change. I have so much that I need to do every day that ends up being pushed to the side because I get sucked into the black hole that is TweetDeck, or get started playing Bejeweled on FaceBook.
I’m going to start trying to stay off the internet in the mornings before I go to work. Not that I won’t be on at all, but I want to spend more productive time with the boys, and I want to get all the things done that I’ve been putting off. I can’t do that if I’m glued to my laptop.
I’m also participating in National Novel Writing Month. I’ve actually written a novel. I finished it when I was 23, but it sits in a drawer in my room because I’m not motivated enough about my writing to see if it’s any good. I’m excited about the challenge of 50,000 words in 30 days. I think it will be fun and I am enjoying the chaos of getting to know and create characters in such a short time. My story is taking form quickly, and I’m really having fun writing it.
So…that’s what I’m trying to do. It doesn’t mean I won’t be around to chat with. It doesn’t mean I’m not here if you need me. I’ll be doing a little lurking, trying to comment on more blogs and respond to more of my comments here. Twitter gets in the way of my blogging sometimes and that’s going to change.
Mwah.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: busy, interwebs, life, People, relationships, twitter | 4 Comments »
Missed
I don’t write anymore.
This isn’t writing, at least not for me. I used to really write. It was effortless, my pen would touch my notebook and the words would pour out of me. I would read it over and almost not believe that the perfectly intertwined thoughts had actually made their way out of my head.
I miss it. I think a lot about what has changed, why I can’t ever seem to make anything sound right to me. Sometimes I think it is because I rarely sit down with pen and paper. Sometimes I think it is because I don’t get any time to really sit and think.
Mostly I think it is because I am happy.
The writing that I am most proud of came during some of my darkest times. It was born of heartbreak and misery. It was written with tears in my eyes and a shaking hand. It was written in fierce anger, my teeth tearing at my bottom lip. It was written faster than I even knew I was thinking, my mind almost numb while tying to protect itself.
I don’t live with those feelings that inspired some of my best anymore. I have put them behind me, not forgotten but closed in a room I have no reason to visit. I am not on a ship in a rocky sea, trying so hard to hang on. I am stable and I have both my feet planted on solid ground. I am happy. I am loved.
It’s a fair trade, but I still miss it.
Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!
Jenn is my Canadian lovah. My Starbucks drinking sweet cheeks. My spooning roomie for BlogHer. I lurves her. And she lurves me. Enough to give me this!!
That’s right, she gave me an award! There are some rules that comes along with this one…so here we go:
1) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
2) Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded the HONEST SCRAP AWARD and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
3) Share “10 Honest Things” about yourself.
Here’s my honest list:
1. I feel incredibly overwhelmed every day. I do my best to keep things in perspective, but sometimes it really gets away from me.
2. I am terrified of cranes. Not the birds with the long ass legs…those giant hulking scary as hell pieces of construction equipment. *shudder*
3. I am scared for when my insurance kicks in, because then I will really have to start dealing with my health problems.
4. I wore a pair of jeans today that I wore in our engagement pictures. They were taken the day I got pregnant with Chase. Imma be a skinny beesh soon!
5. I have never been so scared of cold and flu season as I am right now. I am so beyond scared it’s not even funny.
6. I can’t wait for BlogHer. I need to get away SO BAD.
7. The Phillies are playing the Yankees in the World Series. I am going to develop an ulcer over this.
8. I lost a good friend last year, and I don’t even know why we don’t talk anymore. It really bothers me and I have reached out to her, but nothing. I miss her.
9. I hate fighting with my husband, but I love me some retaliation shopping!
10. I want more tattoo’s but Jim doesn’t want me to get them. I might have to do it anyway. We will see….
Now to pass on the love:
Molly of Mommy Molly
Sara of My Party of 5
Cory of Butler:Party of 3
Sara of Tom the Girl
Becky of Life Out of Focus
Jenna of All About Avacakes
Amber of Pacifier Graveyard
Together But Apart
You get excited and your heart races when you see your spouse walk through the door…but it’s not because your SO!HAPPY! to see them for being them…but because you can finally pass off a crying baby.
You look forward to days off together, but not because you crave time with them…but because it means you get a bit of a break that day.
Maybe you wish they were just working…because sometimes it’s easier without them there.
What do you do when your relationship becomes more of just a way to survive, a way to get all the things done you need to in too short of a day? A partnership in raising your kids, but not a fulfilling, adult, meaningful relationship?
A dear friend of mine is struggling so badly with this and my heart breaks for her. She has tried and tried to make her significant other SEE that she is not happy being HIS mother, along with the mother of their son. She wants to be his LOVE, not the girl who makes sure dinner is cooked and his laundry is done.
So many people in my life have encountered this in their personal live, including myself. I feel that it becomes more common once kids enter the picture, but it can for sure happen in a childless scenario. One of my own relationships ended because we ended up being two people who had completely separate lives…and we just happened to sleep in the same bed at night. Nope, this is not a hotel…not going to work.
Is it possible to get past this?
I have a hard time with that question. I tend to be a person who can’t go back. Once a feeling like this invades my mind, I will worry at it bit by bit by bit until it is all consuming and I have to do something before I explode. I get to the point where I am numb, and I personally am not capable of re-sparking the fire once it has gone that cold.
I wish I had the words to help her, to tell her that it will all work out. I wish I could make her believe that even if she leaves, her life isn’t over. I wish I could get her to see that she isn’t going to ruin her son’s life by doing what is best for her. I wish I could knock that man upside his head and tell him to open his eyes, he is about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. I wish I could make it better for her.
Aware
The past few days have held very hard milestones in the lives of two bloggers that I really admire for their strength and their dignity.
Heather‘s sweet Maddie has been gone for five months. It seems even to me, who never got the honor of meeting her, that it was yesterday that she passed. It also seems like it was a lifetime ago. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike every day…but especially on Tuesdays, and most definitely on the 7th of each month.
Loralee has also faced a day she has been dreading and hoping for. Her baby boy Aaron is now older than his big brother Matthew will ever be. He was taken at 108days old from SIDS. Loralee’s blog is heart wrenching and so honest. You can feel her grief dripping from every word. She is so strong, and such an amazing woman.
I wish with all my heart that I could take some of the pain from these women, and all parents faced with losing a child. Even if for a minute. one minute that they could feel the weight of grief lift off their shoulders. One minute that they could smile with their eyes. Just one minute of time, back to when they were complete.
I can’t. No matter what, I can’t. I am, however, much more aware and sensitive of parents who grieve. I can hold my babies a bit closer. I can keep my temper a bit longer. I can let C splash in a mud puddle, because no matter how big the mess…it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. I take more pictures. I journal for them more, here and on my private blog. I give more kisses, just because.
There are other ways to help. Support Friends of Maddie. Support the March of Dimes. Support Ronald McDonald House. Put a quarter in the little cardboard stands for the children with Leukemia and think of Peyton. SHE WON, because of the leaps and bounds made in research in the last years.
I am very blessed to have two healthy boys, but I am grateful to the two amazing mother’s above and all the others who share their stories with me. I am grateful they have the courage to struggle through their darkest time and put their feelings out there for anyone to see. I am grateful that because of them, I am aware.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: Faith., family, Loralee, Love, Maddie, momin' it up, mothers, pain, People | 2 Comments »
I’m Going…For Me.
When you become a mother you become whole and lose some of yourself all at the same time.
You gain this amazing little person, who changes your life in a blink of an eye, and you can’t remember what life was life before they were in it. Your whole world revolves around them, and you live to keep them safe and happy. They can make your day with a first smile, a new tooth or a gurgle laugh. Yet…somehow you lose a bit of yourself. You might not notice right away, it might come slowly or it might hit you with a bang, but it will come.
I was just starting to find myself again when Chase was 9 months old. He was getting older, it was easier to leave him with a sitter and be able to get out and do some things for me. Then I found out I was pregnant with Jimmy. *sigh* I was thrilled to be pregnant, after the inital shock of finding out your expecting when you religiously take birth control, but deep down I knew that this meant I had to start all over.
I was going to have a newborn again. I was going to have an 18month old and a newborn. I was screwed.
I was one semester into my return to collge after a 7 year hiatus. I liked my hours at my job. My life worked finally, and things were on a balance that I was happy with. Here we go again.
Jimmy is now 6 months old, and I’m still struggling to find myself again. Twitter helps, I don’t feel nearly as isolated when I’m home all day now that I have some of my favorite people at the end of my fingertips.
Blogging helps. Being able to connect with people, and read other people’s stories is such a gift. I am appreciative of every post that each of you write, it gives me a view into your world that I rely on.
So I did something last weekend that was entirely selfish and just for ME. It felt awesome. For the first time in two years I put ME before everyone else in my family. I bought a ticket to BlogHer10 in New York City for next August.
I’ll see you there bitches.
