I’m old News.
A phone conversation with Chase:
Me: Hey buddy, it’s Mama. Hi Chase!
Chase: Hi Chase!
Me: No, say Hi Mama.
Chase: Hi Mama!
Me: Are you having fun at Jenny’s? Are you playing with Kylie? What did you have for dinner?
Chase: Oh mama, Jenny. Kylie fun. Oh mama, CHICKEN. CHICKEN mama.
Me: You had chicken? That’s nice. How’s Jimmy. Is brother being good?
Chase: Jimmy no chicken. Chase chicken. Chicken fun, Mama. Chicken for Chase.
Me: Daddy will be there to get you soon, Bud. Night Night Chase, love you.
Chase: No Daddy. Stay Jenny and Chicken. Night Mama, lub wu. Lub chicken too Mama.
Sigh. I’ve been so easily replaced.
Missed
I don’t write anymore.
This isn’t writing, at least not for me. I used to really write. It was effortless, my pen would touch my notebook and the words would pour out of me. I would read it over and almost not believe that the perfectly intertwined thoughts had actually made their way out of my head.
I miss it. I think a lot about what has changed, why I can’t ever seem to make anything sound right to me. Sometimes I think it is because I rarely sit down with pen and paper. Sometimes I think it is because I don’t get any time to really sit and think.
Mostly I think it is because I am happy.
The writing that I am most proud of came during some of my darkest times. It was born of heartbreak and misery. It was written with tears in my eyes and a shaking hand. It was written in fierce anger, my teeth tearing at my bottom lip. It was written faster than I even knew I was thinking, my mind almost numb while tying to protect itself.
I don’t live with those feelings that inspired some of my best anymore. I have put them behind me, not forgotten but closed in a room I have no reason to visit. I am not on a ship in a rocky sea, trying so hard to hang on. I am stable and I have both my feet planted on solid ground. I am happy. I am loved.
It’s a fair trade, but I still miss it.
Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!
Jenn is my Canadian lovah. My Starbucks drinking sweet cheeks. My spooning roomie for BlogHer. I lurves her. And she lurves me. Enough to give me this!!
That’s right, she gave me an award! There are some rules that comes along with this one…so here we go:
1) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
2) Tell those 7 people they’ve been awarded the HONEST SCRAP AWARD and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.
3) Share “10 Honest Things” about yourself.
Here’s my honest list:
1. I feel incredibly overwhelmed every day. I do my best to keep things in perspective, but sometimes it really gets away from me.
2. I am terrified of cranes. Not the birds with the long ass legs…those giant hulking scary as hell pieces of construction equipment. *shudder*
3. I am scared for when my insurance kicks in, because then I will really have to start dealing with my health problems.
4. I wore a pair of jeans today that I wore in our engagement pictures. They were taken the day I got pregnant with Chase. Imma be a skinny beesh soon!
5. I have never been so scared of cold and flu season as I am right now. I am so beyond scared it’s not even funny.
6. I can’t wait for BlogHer. I need to get away SO BAD.
7. The Phillies are playing the Yankees in the World Series. I am going to develop an ulcer over this.
8. I lost a good friend last year, and I don’t even know why we don’t talk anymore. It really bothers me and I have reached out to her, but nothing. I miss her.
9. I hate fighting with my husband, but I love me some retaliation shopping!
10. I want more tattoo’s but Jim doesn’t want me to get them. I might have to do it anyway. We will see….
Now to pass on the love:
Molly of Mommy Molly
Sara of My Party of 5
Cory of Butler:Party of 3
Sara of Tom the Girl
Becky of Life Out of Focus
Jenna of All About Avacakes
Amber of Pacifier Graveyard
The one where I get told I’m a bad Mom
Last week I was chatting with Sara on twitterabout my new(ish) job. I was saying how much I like it, and how I am actually really enjoying being back to work full time.
I receieved a nasty email later that day. I’m assuming it was from someone who ran across our conversation on the main feed and came to my blog to hunt down my contact info.
In this email, I was basically told that I was a horrible mother for actually enjoying my job. That I should be heartbroken every day that I drop them off at the sitter where they play with their friends. That being home to do laundry and dishes is more important than providing health insurance for my family. That I should give up all my aspirations of a career because I have children.
I was never sure that I wanted kids. Don’t get me wrong, the boys are my world. I love them more than I can say, and I would never change any of the events that brought those beautiful baby men into my life. But it just wasn’t something I was sure I wanted before they were here. Some young women just know that being a mother is what they want more than anything, that wasn’t me.
Even now I talk to friends who can’t wait for when they can chaperone field trips and be the class mom. That’s not me. I have always been excited about when the time would come that I could return to work full time. That time can a couple years earlier than I had expected, and those of you that come here to support me KNOW how much I struggled with leaving the boys.
I want to be a nurse in 3 years. This is going to involve an insane amount of work for me, and a lot of sacrificing time with my family during the process. After reading Heather’s post this morning, I don’t see how anyone could say it won’t be worth it.
So you know what? I’m sorry if you don’t like that I enjoy my job. I’m sorry if my working full time offends your sense of “womanly duties”. I’m sorry if the fact that I am away from the boys more makes me appreciate the time I have with them more bothers you.
Because it doesn’t bother me and mine, and that’s all that matters.
Silly Little Man
Hoping to make some people smile on this drama filled Saturday!
This is J last week playing games with Mom-Mom when she was trying to feed him his dinner, he has decided it’s a HUGE game!
*If the big play button doesn’t work, hit the little one in the lower left part of the screen, it’s being wonky!*
Go
Get out of my head
You don’t belong there
I don’t want you
I think of you often
Random times throughout my day
Makes me pause
Wonder why
You have invaded my thoughts
I can’t let go
But your already gone
Feels like yesterday
Still
Burns
Still
The hole in my heart is there
Still
Get out of my head
You don’t belong there
I shouldn’t want you
With Love Always
I’m sure this post will be one of many of it’s kind.
Love for Maddie reaches and touches every corner of this world.
She’s been gone six months.
Half a year.
A third of the time she graced us with her presence.
There will be so much love shown on Heather and Mike’s blogs today I’m sure, but so many want to do more. And we can.
Support Friends of Maddie, everyday…but especially today.
Together But Apart
You get excited and your heart races when you see your spouse walk through the door…but it’s not because your SO!HAPPY! to see them for being them…but because you can finally pass off a crying baby.
You look forward to days off together, but not because you crave time with them…but because it means you get a bit of a break that day.
Maybe you wish they were just working…because sometimes it’s easier without them there.
What do you do when your relationship becomes more of just a way to survive, a way to get all the things done you need to in too short of a day? A partnership in raising your kids, but not a fulfilling, adult, meaningful relationship?
A dear friend of mine is struggling so badly with this and my heart breaks for her. She has tried and tried to make her significant other SEE that she is not happy being HIS mother, along with the mother of their son. She wants to be his LOVE, not the girl who makes sure dinner is cooked and his laundry is done.
So many people in my life have encountered this in their personal live, including myself. I feel that it becomes more common once kids enter the picture, but it can for sure happen in a childless scenario. One of my own relationships ended because we ended up being two people who had completely separate lives…and we just happened to sleep in the same bed at night. Nope, this is not a hotel…not going to work.
Is it possible to get past this?
I have a hard time with that question. I tend to be a person who can’t go back. Once a feeling like this invades my mind, I will worry at it bit by bit by bit until it is all consuming and I have to do something before I explode. I get to the point where I am numb, and I personally am not capable of re-sparking the fire once it has gone that cold.
I wish I had the words to help her, to tell her that it will all work out. I wish I could make her believe that even if she leaves, her life isn’t over. I wish I could get her to see that she isn’t going to ruin her son’s life by doing what is best for her. I wish I could knock that man upside his head and tell him to open his eyes, he is about to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. I wish I could make it better for her.
I am so going through Twitter withdrawal. This whole working full time thing is not good for my social like in any way, shape or form!
Anyway. Today is day 3 of The Job.
It.Is.Insane.
So busy. I knew I was on the second busiest unit of my hospital, but wow. I didn’t expect this. Peeps…take good care of your hearts. Weez iz too busy for you, yo.
The boys are doing AWESOME at their sitters! YAY! Big, Huge, GIGANTIC relief for Mommy. *wipes brow* C spends the whole day running around with a huge smile on his face. He is so happy to have someone to play with besides “brudder” that he doesn’t even know what to do with himself. It is so great to see him having such a good time there.
J has his moments, but he is doing as well as can be expected. He is napping well, and is easily calmed but is a bit overwhelmed with the change of scenery and other kids. He is so happy to see me when I walk in, and I just eat it up! Soon, when I go to my normal evening shift I think it will actually be easier on him.
I’m tired, and I haven’t gotten to spend any time with the husband this week. That makes me cranky. We will get some time this weekend together though.
Overall things are going well and I think I am going to like this job and do well at it.
I am thrilled to be in the hospital where I delivered my babies, and where my husband was born.
I am learning so much and basically getting paid to learn things that I am going to have to learn in school anyway.
I am going to be able to provide awesome benefits for myself and family.
I am doing something that matters.
I am doing it.
*I miss you guys!*
Aware
The past few days have held very hard milestones in the lives of two bloggers that I really admire for their strength and their dignity.
Heather‘s sweet Maddie has been gone for five months. It seems even to me, who never got the honor of meeting her, that it was yesterday that she passed. It also seems like it was a lifetime ago. My heart breaks for Heather and Mike every day…but especially on Tuesdays, and most definitely on the 7th of each month.
Loralee has also faced a day she has been dreading and hoping for. Her baby boy Aaron is now older than his big brother Matthew will ever be. He was taken at 108days old from SIDS. Loralee’s blog is heart wrenching and so honest. You can feel her grief dripping from every word. She is so strong, and such an amazing woman.
I wish with all my heart that I could take some of the pain from these women, and all parents faced with losing a child. Even if for a minute. one minute that they could feel the weight of grief lift off their shoulders. One minute that they could smile with their eyes. Just one minute of time, back to when they were complete.
I can’t. No matter what, I can’t. I am, however, much more aware and sensitive of parents who grieve. I can hold my babies a bit closer. I can keep my temper a bit longer. I can let C splash in a mud puddle, because no matter how big the mess…it’s not a big deal in the scheme of things. I take more pictures. I journal for them more, here and on my private blog. I give more kisses, just because.
There are other ways to help. Support Friends of Maddie. Support the March of Dimes. Support Ronald McDonald House. Put a quarter in the little cardboard stands for the children with Leukemia and think of Peyton. SHE WON, because of the leaps and bounds made in research in the last years.
I am very blessed to have two healthy boys, but I am grateful to the two amazing mother’s above and all the others who share their stories with me. I am grateful they have the courage to struggle through their darkest time and put their feelings out there for anyone to see. I am grateful that because of them, I am aware.
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For A Special Girl
