Posts Tagged ‘Love’
Helpless
This past year has had it’s moments. There has been times when I literally wanted to burn my laptop and never open it again, I just couldn’t handle any more of my friends in pain. I was an outsider on the most part, new to Twitter and blogging (publicly at least) and I hadn’t yet found my “tribe”. At least not here.
However, for the three years I have been blessed to be a member of the most close knit group of friends that I could ever imagine. We met on a message board when we were pregnant with our “big kids” and have been a constant presence in each others lives ever since.
We cry together, we laugh together. We vent about our spouses, we talk about all the gross pregnancy and after baby stuff there is to talk about. Cause dood…men just can’t handle all that.
This week I have felt helpless. Helpless that one of MY girls was suffering and I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, reach through the computer and hug her. I couldn’t ( for many reasons) get on a plane and go be with her after the devastating and unexpected loss of her mother.
I just don’t know how to help her.
I’m helpless.
Finding Air
I fell like I’ve been absent this week. Not just here, this place where I leave bits and pieces of myself out in the open for scrutiny and observation, but also from myself.
I don’t even know if that makes sense, or how to explain it if it doesn’t. I supposed I could sum it up in easy terms with “I’m in a funk”
A massive, panic attack having, screaming, crying, fighting over nothing funk.
I think last week, with my Dad being sick was just the beginning. It has sort of all gone downhill from there. School restarted, with me not a part of it for the first time a couple years. Instead of me feeling as though I am taking a well deserved break, I feel like a failure.
My panic attacks have returned in full force, with no warning. I haven’t had to medicate for one in almost 2 years. I’ve had to 6 times in the past 3 days. Luckily my doctor is teh awesome, and knows me well.
I don’t understand what is going on with my body, and with my head. I needed something contructive to throw myself into. Something to take my mind away from everything.
Luckily I found it.
5 Miles.
Some Tears.
Some laughs.
One preemie in my heart, and hopefully one preemie in her stroller.
For Natalie who I am happy to report is taking names and kicking prematurity’s ass.
For me, a NICU graduate.
Hold Me
It’s coming…I can feel it in my bones.
BABY FEVER
Oh gawd. I figured it would be soon anyway, since Chase has gone from this
To this
And Jimmy Jamboree (who is going to be ONE in ONE MONTH *SOB*) has gone from this
To this
I am for sure feeling the lack of baby in my house. THEN to add to the ache, not one…not two…BUT THREE of my friends are all newly pregnant. My best friend from middle school is having her first, one of my best friends from high school is having her second and one of my most favorite online girls too.
Sigh. I may need to re-think this no more babies thing.
Somebody talk some sense in too me and remind me of the four months of screaming colicky hell that was Jimmy as a newborn. The two weeks of bed rest with Chase and the five weeks with Jimmy. Someone remind me that I have a damned good chance of a preemie if I have another baby, or the fact that Jim is a total no go on the idea. Someone tell me I would just be trying for a girl and then end up with three boys and thereisnofrackingwayIcouldhandlethat.
Someone tell me that holding and loving on all my friends babies will be enough.
Someone lie to me, because there is NOTHING that feels like this
Posted in Uncategorized | 
Tags: babies, baby fever, busy, family, Love, momin' it up, sons | 
4 Comments »
Snow Day
All day Friday there was a buzz around the hospital.
Snow. There is snow coming.
While I love my job, working in health care has it downsides. One being that NO MATTER WHAT…we are open. So when the Weather Channel is calling for 8-14 mother loving inches, peeps get worried yo. I have heard in years past of people getting stuck there…not being able to get home. I have heard of the hospital sending out ambulances to pick up employees and bring them to work. People were stressed out about it, rightfully so.
Me? I was off this weekend. Neener Neener Mr. Snowstorm.
However, had I been working I would have been pissing my pant. Me no drivey in da snow.
We woke up early on Saturday morning to a couple inches…maybe 3. It was starting to really cover, and you could barely see the grass sticking through. The snow was coming down steadily and I couldn’t believe it was supposed to keep coming until the next morning. No way, they were wrong…they always are, right? RIGHT? BUELLER?
The boys and I hunkered down to be snowed it. Jim had to work, but we hoped he would get out early(which he did, at about 8pm instead of 11pm). The boys love our slider and spent a good part of the day staring outside. Chase got a little worried after a while, because the “snow ate my slide”
Um, yeah. That’s a LOT of snow. Jimmy was wound up all day, and ran around like the small tornado he is.
I spent my fair share of time looking out the door watching the snow. I haven’t seen this amount since the Blizzard of ’96 which dumped almost 2 feet of snow and ice on my hometown in Southern New Jersey. As I watched,I caught a flash of color.
See her? That’s a robin who lives in the tress behind us. She was so beautiful against the stark whiteness of the snow.
Sunday came, along with cleaning off cars and playing in the snow for Chase. He helped Daddy…
Is it summer yet?
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: family, job, Love, pansy ass, snow sucks, sons, stories | 4 Comments »
Slow Down!
It is no secret that my 10 month old is ridiculously mobile and always has been. The little force of nature was crawling at 5 months and has been walking since 8 months old. I think that some people my not quite understand HOW mobile he is.
Here ya go. 10 month old Jimmy Jamboree:
A Much Needed Break
This weekend was exactly what I needed. I literally have not left my home since I got home from work on Friday night. Ah-Mazing.
I got to spend some much needed one on one time with my boys. I have really been missing them this week. Last week, while trying to get the house ready to move, I sent them to their Mom-Mom’s on my days off so I could get some things done. It helped me tremendously…but it broke my heart to not be able to spend that time with them.
The boys are loving the new house, there is much more room for them to take over with their thousands of trucks and blocks and balls and pointy things that hurt when I step on them.
They are also big fans of moving due to the boxes required
Jimmy managed to snag the best seat in the house
Then? The best thing that could possibly happen on a weekend when you don’t want to leave the house happened. It started to snow! We had some snow last year that I am sure Chase doesn’t really remember and this is for sure Jimmy’s first real snow, other than the storm he was born during.
The boys stood at our slider and watched the snow come down all day, but Chase was being elusive and didn’t want his picture taken. Stinker.
All in all it was an amazing weekend home with my babies, who are getting so big so fast.
Even my Cullen baby is growing up and now has grown in his front teeth, so I no longer have a baby vampire..
And Chase? He is just getting more and more grown up right before my very eyes.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: babies, C, family, Jimmy, Love, momin' it up, mommom, mothers, moving sucks, sons, stories, teething, toddlers | 1 Comment »
Onward
Boxes are stacked against all the walls, their destinations scrawled across them in black.
Boys Room
Kitchen
The cabinets are empty and the beds are stripped. For the first time, there are no toys on the floor. Not one. The bookshelves are bare. The laundry room is clean, and there are no clothes strewn around. All of our pictures and memories are carefully wrapped and placed lovingly into more boxes.
Chase turned one in this house, and then turned two. We got the news of Jimmy in this house, and then brought him home to it. This was Tuckers last home. I’ve spent hundreds of hours in the upstairs hallway pacing with a colicky baby, and the rug shows evidence of it. We’ve made countless bottles standing half awake at the sink in the kitchen. So many baths have been given. There is still a hint of one of Chase’s coloring escapades on the wall. Jimmy took his first steps here, and Chase said “I love you”. So many memories.
Moving to a new home is always bittersweet for me. The excitement and new possibilites are mellowed by just a bit of sadness.
We have only lived here for two years, but what a huge two years it was.
Happy Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is for sure one of my favorite holidays. Not only is it the starting line to my favoriteholiday(Christmas!!) ,but it is a carb filled extravaganza that this fatty patty looks forward to all year.
In the years past I mostly concentrated on the food side of Thanksgiving. Well, that and football. This year though, with Chase being a bit older and more able to understand being thankful, I have been trying to explain to him the purpose of the day. He didn’t fully get the point, but he has been walking around telling all of his toys thank you and kissing them. So freaking cute.
This year has brought so many things that I am thankful for. It started out on January 27th with the birth of my baby Jimmy. While I am NOT thankful for 3 months of colic, this little man has brought us so much joy.
I am thankful for every minute that I get to spend with Chase. He is growing up so quickly, and becomes more able to take care of himself every day, even at two years old. He is dressing himself, and holding conversations that awe me every day.
I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that due to his hard work I got to be home with Chase for over two years and with Jimmy until 6 months. I do not take that time for granted. I am thankful for all that he does for us.
I am thankful to be working, and to have a job when so many people don’t. I will try to remember that when I am complaining.
I am thankful to be moving within 2 miles of a Starbucks on Monday.
I am thankful for the Internet. I have connected with so many amazing people in the last couple years, and am surprised every day at the level of our connections. I have been supported and lifted up so many times, and I am beyond grateful.
I am thankful for my health. While I have some small issues going on, overall I am well.
I am thankful to NOT be pregnant on Thanksgiving. It can really cramp a girls eating style.
Most of all I am just thankful to be able to wake up every day to people I love. I am able to open my laptop and talk to people that make me laugh. I go to work in a job I enjoy and find rewarding. I get to snuggle with my boys and nuzzle into their soft baby necks. I am able to feel my husband wrap his arms around me for a hug.
I am thankful for all of this and more.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: C, family, Jimmy, job, Love, momin' it up, People, sons, thanksgiving | 2 Comments »
The Strength of Many
I don’t know why it even surprises me anymore.
Our community is strong.
The first time I saw it in action was after the passing of Heather and Mike’s sweet baby girl Maddie. I was a newborn to the blogging world and twitter, just dipping my toes in the social media world after years of Myspace and Facebook. The outpouring of love for this young family that was going through the unthinkable was quick and true.
We love you and we are going to find someway to help the best we can
This is the message that has been spread. People show their love and support through blog posts, hundreds and hundreds of them. When Mckmama’s warrior Stellan has headed to the hospital in critical condition multiple times over the last few months, the response has been the same.
We support you and want you to know you aren’t fighting alone.
Messages on Twitter are re-tweeted, and updates spread like wildfire. No one is left out of the loop. Everyone has an equal investment in the pain. No one dares suggest that because we are “only friends on the Internet” that we shouldn’t be upset. My own husband has given up trying to understand, as he watches me read “The Spohrs Are Multiplying” every morning, most days tears and laughter emitting from me together.
Our community is loving.
Anissa is a fabulous woman. I have only had the pleasure of direct interaction with her a handful of times, but over the course of my day she makes me laugh more than anyone on the interwebs. She is caring, strong, hilarious, gentle when needed, and quick….so quick to jump when a friend needs her.
She needs us. Anissa suffered a stroke yesterday and needs prayers if you’re the praying type, or just general good juju is you’re not. Gather up all the positive energy in your mind and send it towards an ICU bed in Atlanta.
Anissa, I am so hoping for a wonderful recovery for you. I fully expect you to be back and eating kittens soon.
**For updates and ways to help, please visit the Aiming Low website.**
Posted in Uncategorized | Tags: Anissa, Faith., family, health, interwebs, life, Love, pain, People, relationships, twitter | 5 Comments »
Not The Same
I love Christmas. I love getting our tree. I love unwrapping ornaments and hanging them. I love Christmas music. I love hunting down the perfect dated ornament each year. I love all the cheesy Christmas movies that are on. I love driving around and looking at lights. I love shopping.
I especially loved the look on Chase’s face last year when he came downstairs on Christmas morning.
We made the Holidays a big deal last year. I was 6 weeks or so from my due date, and we really wanted to make it special for Chase. I’m so glad we did, since I got put on bed rest on New Years Eve and couldn’t do anything with him.
He got new blocks, and has been obsessed with building ever since. (Please ignore my prego-ness)
His Auntie Jessa got him this tent, his smile says it all.
Later, at MomMom and PopPop’s he played with his “cousin” Ammo.
In a very sweet moment, Chase’s Great PopPop played the piano with him.
Last Christmas was special for so many reasons. It was our last holiday as a family of 3. It was Chase’s first “real” Christmas.
Last year four generations of men in our family celebrated.
This year there will be only three.
We love and miss you PopPop D.
