Slow But Frantic
We are whirling
Spinning
We are out of control
So close to drowning
Yet somehow
We dodge the dangers that threaten us
The horizon is bright
But the swim to get there is long
And hard
Sharks circle
Waiting for the smell of our blood
Waiting for the bubbles that our legs make
As we swim
As we struggle
As we race
To the brightness
The glow
The serenity
The peace
BlogHer10 Recap
Here is it. The obligatory recap of what was the most fun I have had in a long time.
Going to NYC was hard for me. I haven’t been away much since 2005 when I was diagnosed with a severe panic disorder. I haven’t gone ANYWHERE without Jim by my side. I haven’t left the boys. Haven’t haven’t haven’t.
Well bitches. I have now.
Wednesday saw an influx of twittering, texting, squeeing women to the Hilton New York. There were hugs and tears and laughter. I sat back a bit and watched the scene. Surprisingly enough…I was more at home on the streets of the city than I was in that hotel. I’m familiar with New York and we are friends.
Thursday I hit the streets with some Canadians. I took them to Times Square so they could play tourist.
Me? I’d seen it before. I was busy.
We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch, I had forgotten how neat the stuff in that place was.
Thursday night came and onto the first round of parties I went. I got to squish on the writers of some of my favorite blogs, women who have become my friends over the course of the past year or so.
Heather!
Cindy!
I met Gavin Degraw.
Friday started the actual conference. I whirled around the morning, trying to orient myself to the chaos. Then I was invited to a beautiful moment. Thirty minutes that brought me to my knees. Even though the moment was all about Karen…I was able to witness it because I shook my fist at my own fears. It was huge. For so many reasons. This one moment brought so much peace to me for the rest of the weekend. I am so grateful I was able to be there.
If I hadn’t been there..I would have missed some of this awesomeness.
Colleen
Brittany
Scariest 5 blocks of my life.
People at work have been asking me, “What did you go to New York for”.
My response? “To hang out with 2,400 of my closet friends.”
See you in San Diego.
Silent Sunday
My sweet Jimmy. 18 months old.
A Birthday Letter
Dear Chase,
Today you turn three. THREE. It seems so much older than two, even though just yesterday that is what you were. I find it so hard, no impossible to believe that it was already three years since I held you in my arms for the first time. I will never forget meeting your eyes for the first time, or noticing that we have the exact same thumbs. You are such an extension of me, a true smaller version. You have all of my features, right down to blood type. I used to wish you looked more like Daddy but now I am so happy you look like me.
You are my little sidekick, my best buddy. You are truly coming into your personality and you make us laugh all day long. You are an amazing big brother, even when Jimmy isn’t very nice to you. You LOVE Thomas the Tank and would watch that show all day if we let you. Your Daddy and I got you your first set of tracks and trains yesterday and you were so excited! You jumped around and yelled about how much you loved Thomas, but completely overlooked the fact you could open the box and actually play with them. That’s OK, you made up for it later.
I enrolled you in preschool this week Buddy-man. You are going to go to the same one that your Daddy went to when he was little. I really think you are going to like it, but I am a bit sad. I am just not ready for you to grow up. I am not ready to lose any more time with you than I already do by working. I really want you to have this experience though and I know you will be a rock star at school. You are the sweetest little man I know. You can adapt to anything that comes up, I know you can.
I really hope that you keep the sweetness that you have now. You are the first to say “God Bless You” when someone sneezes, and the first to ask ”Whatsa matter?” when you think someone is upset. Just this morning when I stubbed my toe, you ran over and rubbed my back telling me that it would be all better. And you know what? It was. I like to think you had something to do with it. You have made my life mean something. You were the incentive I needed to get my life together and be a better person. Every time you run over for a hug, or you tell me “Lub you more”…my heart almost overflows. There is no better feeling in the world than hearing that from you. Every time you use the potty you run over and tell me “I made my Mommy happy!”. You don’t need to use the potty to make me happy, you thrill me each and every day.
I love you so much Chase-face, my Chasifer, the Chasinator.
Mommy
Vacation, Part 1
So. We got back last night from a week at the beach. A very un-internet friendly week , but a week at the beach regardless. The boys were so amped up to go, Chase did nothing but ask every day “We go beach today”. Whether or not he really knew what he was excited for is another thing all together. Every day the two boys would stand and look out the window…asking if we were at the beach yet. Apparently they started with the “Are we theres yet” before we had even left. Tee Hee.
We really had an awesome week in Ocean City, Maryland. We got there every year, and we get the same house so we know what to expect. Chase and Jimmy did OK. They were a little out of sorts just not being home, but so happy to be with the whole family. Chase LOVED the waves this year, which was a huge difference from last year. (I don’t have any pics to post of them physically on the beach because I took them with my point and shoot…and now can’t find the cable. Grrr) Our house is AWESOME. This is the veiw from the back deck.
Sunday was the 4th of July. I LOVE Independence Day. I don’t know if it is just a side effect from living near Philadelphia, but I love it. I love BBQ’s and fireworks and the whole deal. After dinner we hung out outside and the boys played with trucks and did some bubble chasing.
Ocean City puts on a pretty spectacular fireworks display, and we were able to watch them from out front balconies. There were also tons of fireworks on the beach so once it was completely dark we spent a lot of time running from the front to back of the house watching all the shows.
My favorite image from the whole day is not of fireworks. It’s not of the boys. It’s not of the beach. It is a simple statement, marked against a beautiful sky.
I love our flag.
They Are My Therapy
11:15 pm. I am laying in bed watching a movie featuring a gloriously good looking young man. I have to get up at 5:30am but I can’t sleep. I toss and turn, smushing my pillow this way and that under my head. I search for the cool spots on the bed with no luck, but I still keep our blanket covering most of me. I always sleep like that.
A familiar tingle runs up my spine and I pray that this wasn’t going to turn into a full blown panic attack. I feel my heart begin to speed up and I throw the covers off and sit on the edge of the bed, attempting to get my body back into control. I stand up and walk halfway down the hallway to the room that holds the two innocent lives that I am responsible for. I have to keep my shit together…I can’t lose it until someone else is here with them. I turn back and go into my bathroom instead, holding on to the counter for dear life. I look up into my reflection and see sheer terror in my eyes. I try to tell myself that I have felt like this before and didn’t die…but my head doesn’t listen. Everything in my body screams that this time is different. This time I will die.
I wish Jim was home.
I go down the stairs and turn the air conditioning up a few notches. I slowly walk back up the steps, trying to keep my heart rate from going any higher than it already is. My cell phone is tightly clenched in my fist, I need to have it near me in case I need it. I am headed back into my room when I decide to go in and look at the boys.
I step over the gate at their door and enter their room. I walk over to Jimmy’s crib first and gently rest my hand on his back. He arches against my hand and scoots his legs under his body bringing his little booty up in the air. I toss a light blanket over him and move on to Chase.
Chase has fallen asleep with 3 Matchbox Cars and a portion of their track. I pull all the toys out of his bed and slowly ease down beside him in his twin bed. Laying flat emphasizes how fast my heart is beating and my body is dying to get up. To move. To pace. Anything. I don’t move. I stay there and concentrate on the up and down of Chase’s chest. I concentrate on the warm weight of his head on my shoulder. I concentrate on them and once again, like so many other times, they save me.
Being A Parent Is Scary
Two weeks ago yesterday I took Chase to the doctor for a red swollen area behind his left ear. It looked a little hivey, but since nothing new had been introduced to him I figured we would go have it looked at. Chase’s pediatrician told us it was probably a reaction to a bug bite, and maybe it was a bit infected. We left the office with a ten day script for some antibiotics.
A couple days later the redness had spread some, so back into the doctor we went. We saw another doctor in the group, and he said it wasn’t anything he was very concerned about but to continue the antibiotics and add some Zyrtec to the mix to see if that helped. We gave him the Zyrec that afternoon and immediately saw a huge difference. We figured he got bit by a spider and had had a little allergic reaction, and maybe a bit of an infection. There was a big sigh of relief when the redness went down.
Chase finished his antibiotics last Saturday and this Wednesday I noticed a red splotch on his left cheek. Over the course of Wednesday and Thursday it across his cheek and the center took on a pale look to it while all around it was red.
Back into the doctor we went.
Diagnosis?
Lyme’s Disease.
We are fortunate that Chase presented with the bulls-eye rash. The theory is that the original redness was the tick bite being a bit infected, and now he is presenting the bulls-eye. The course of treatment is three weeks of oral antibiotics. He should be fine, it is highly unusual for there to be any issues after it has been caught so early.
I hate this part of being a parent. I hate the feeling in your stomach when you JUST KNOW something is not right. I hate watching the doctor examine my child. I hate having to give him medicine. I hate the idea that something could take him away from me.
Chase was lucky, but a lot of kids go undiagnosed until they become symptomatic. Check your kiddies before bed for ticks if you live in an area that Lyme’s is prevalent in. We live in an area where Lyme’s is hugely active and we are vigilant about checking the boys. However not all ticks latch, some just bite and fall off so watch any bites carefully.
In the mean time? I would like to wrap the boys head to toe in plastic wrap and ensure nothing gets in. Think I can do that? No? Damn.
What to blog…what to blog
I am seriously running on empty over here. Class is killing me. Work is kicking my ass. The boys are all over the place and the kitten has made it so I can’t walk across the room without little razor sharp claws attacking my ankles. I was going to do a little list of things that are bothering me (see above) but I decided to do some things that are making me happy instead. Cause, you know. I am all about rainbows and unicorns and shit. Or not.
I like my job. No really. I do. It has it’s moments and holy hell there is drama and bullshit everywhere. However, I work with 90% women…there is no way around the drama. I am thankful every day to have that job and to be able to help support my family and provide insurance for them. It is so important for me to be able to do that for them.
I leave for vacation at the beach in 23 days. A week of fun in the sun with Jim and the boys. We go every year with his family and it is always so much fun. The boys get to see Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop every day for a week and there is nothing better than that in their world. I can’t wait to relax and to especially spend some much needed time with Jim.
In 21 days my class will be over. I will be done working this wack ass schedule to accommodate my class. I will be done with my entrance exam for the clinical portion of the nursing program. At this point I don’t even care if I get in for the year I am applying for…I just want the application process to be over. I will then be off for 6 weeks before the hell of fall classes start.
In 54 days I will head down the Philadelphia International Airport and tackle Jenn when she gets off the plane. I am SO.EXCITED to have her here. Then in 55 days we will head to NYC for BlogHer, even though we will be a couple days early. The idea of a couple days and nights that I can be myself, and not have to change diapers and fill cups is amazing.
Chase is potty training. Like for realz this time. I think. Or maybe he will wake up tomorrow and decide he wants nothing to do with it like he did a month or so ago. But we are on day two going strong! He uses his little potty all by himself without me reminding him at all. However…he has to be naked. He refuses to pull his pants down to go. I’m not sure how to get over this hurdle but we will figure it out I guess!!
So yeah. I’m tired and worn out and the circles under my eyes have their own time zones…but there are some really good things on the horizon!
Very Intent…
On Drawing
On His Magnadoodle
Have A Great Weekend!
My Kind Of Day
A couple weeks ago my little notch of south eastern Pennsylvania had a bit of a heat wave. Weather was anywhere from 70 to 90 degrees and it was glorious. Jim and I were off together and decided to take the boys up to a little place near our house. It’s an orchard and a cute little store that you can buy pies and doughnuts and all sorts of things I shouldn’t be eating. You can pick apples or pumpkins depending on the season. There are hayrides and flowers and it is such a great little place.
There is also a little playground that the kids made the most of. They love to be outside and run and run and run.
On the move
Chase will take a break from running to take a pass down the slide.
Jimmy only pauses to crawl in the dirt.
Then? They saw the goats. THEN? They realized they could feed them.
That made for some ridiculously happy baby men. I so cherish being able to spend time with them. My life is going to get insanely hectic for the next couple years and I am so afraid I am going to miss out on some of this time with them. They deserve a million days out playing in the sun with us.
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