I’ve been gone and stuff. For almost two months apparently.

Oops. Sorry.

Things have been crazy. We moved, I FLEW to North Carolina to meet my grandparents ( ON A PLANE), I started the hardest summer class in the history of all creation, the kids are growing fast, I am planning Chase’s 4th! birthday party, I went part time at work, we got custody of Maddie…anything else?

I need a vacation.

All except for the super sucky school part, life is good. The trip to meet more family went really well. I fit in seamlessly with them and was so comfortable. I was spoiled and pampered and FED well for a weekend and I so needed it.

The kids are doing awesome and we are thrilled that Maddie is now a full time permenant part of our family. She is becoming such a calm, happy little girl and I am so happy to see these changes in her. She had kindergarten orientation last week and is so excited to go to her “big school”.

Chase had his end of the year program for preschool last week (oh the tears). It may have been the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. They learned the Pledge of Allegiance and sang some cute patriotic songs. Adorable.

We are mostly settled in our new home and it is growing on me every day.We fit well here and there is actually enough room for all of us. We are very blessed that we found this house when we did and I am thankful that we found it before our custody court date.

I’m not ready for my Chase face to turn 4 next month. It’s just not time for that yet. Sigh. He is all excited, this is the first time he has really anticipated a birthday this far in advance. I love that kid so freaking much.

Ok. Gotta go do about 10 hours of school work to prepare for a beast of a test on Monday…oh and write a lab report for something to do with osmosis. I dunno.

I have been writing this post over and over in my head the last couple weeks. I just am not sure I have the words, not sure I can convey the emotion of all this. I am going to do my best, bare with me…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday 3/18- I am at work and about 9:30 in the morning by cell vibrates in my pocket. I sneak it out for a look and see a 609 area code calling me. I grew up in New Jersey and know the area code, but most of my contact with people from my home state is limited to FaceBook. My stomach turned, and I had a feeling who it was.

“Hello?”

“Hi is this Allison?”

“Yes”

” Hi, this is the adoption registry in New Jersey, I have good news for you!”

“Your kidding”

“Nope, we have located your mother and are just waiting for her to fax the release and then we can give you all of her information.”

Holy. Shit.

I thanked her and hung up. I stood still within the stacks of charts of people having babies and realized I was about to get the name of my biological mother. My mother. This is something so hard to explain to someone who isn’t adopted. I was about to get answers to all my questions.

My phone rang again about 45 minutes later and it was the caseworker again, and she had the info. She gave me my mothers name, her email and then last, her phone number.

She had the same area code as me.

Holy. Freaking. Shit.

Turns out my biological mother lives less than an hour away from me. I folded the paper I had written her info on and put it in my pocket. I tried to work, tried to concentrate but I could feel her name burning into my leg.

Dollie

I had to call her, I had to talk to her. I wanted to wait until I was done work, but there was no way that I was making it through six more hours. I had waited 27 years, it was 2 days before my 28th birthday…I had to call her.

I called. I got her voicemail and I heard my own voice talking back to me. It was uncanny.

I left her a message and went back upstairs to work. About 30 minutes later my phone was buzzing in my pocket again. My stomach lurched and I pulled out my phone, rushing out of the office.

“Hello”

“Is this Ally?”

“Yes.”

“Is this my daughter?”

“Yes.”

Then the crying commenced. We talked for a bit. I told her she has grandbabies, she told me I have a 16 year old sister and a 12 year olf brother. She gave me the name of my father. We talked for a while and set up plans to meet the next day, the day before my birthday.

The meeting went well. It was awkward and comfortable and all sorts of emotions mixed in together. She brought me pictures of my siblings, and I found my little sister looks a lot like me. She told me I look a lot like my father’s sister. We spent some time just playing question and answer about the past and some time talking about the present.

We left after a few hours, and she gave me a beautiful carved angel for my birthday. We didn’t make plans to meet again, we decided to take it slow.

Tuesday 3/22 I found my father’s sister on FaceBook. I emailed her with the whole cliche. “Hi, you don’t know me, but I’m your brother’s daughter who was put up for adoption at birth”

Yikes.

The response I got was awesome, she welcomed me into the family and I gave her my number to pass on to her brother. Who guess what? Lives about 45 minutes in the other direction from Dollie.

Holy. Mother. Loving. Freaking. Shit.

Within 4 hours I was talking to my biological father on the phone. By that time my brain was spinning and I felt like I needed to retreat for a while. I had no less than 30 friend requests…people I had never met but who had always known about me. I was hearing that I had actually been found by my mother’s family when I was 5…but they never made contact and left me be. I have and aunt and an uncle who are younger than me. I felt like I was suffocating in all this family.

So I did just that. I backed off for a bit. Other than the daily “good morning” text from Dollie and the occasional email to my maternal grandparents in North Carolina, I didn’t reach out. I wasn’t rude, if I was contacted I replied…but I was feeling stretched very thin and needed to concentrate on MY family. Jim, Chase, Jimmy and Maddie. They are my first priority.

I slowly felt myself coming back to terms and this past Sunday I met my siblings and Dollie met her grandchildren. It was a fun, laid back afternoon.

On 5/12 I am getting on a plane to North Carolina to meet a ton of family I never knew I had. This is going to be really hard for me, not only am I going to be surrounded by people who have always known about me and me never about them…but I have to get on a plane. I am going to do it, this is all important to me.

I’m sure this story will continue. I do not for one minute take for granted what I have been able to experiance. Many adult adoptees never meet their families. Many times if they do find them, they don’t want to meet…don’t want to know them. I have been welcomed with open arms from people on both sides of the family and I am so grateful.

Ally, can I call you Mommy since I don’t have a Mommy at my house anymore?

Sure baby, call me whatever you want.

Thanks Mommy!

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chase, would it be OK if Maddie calls me Mommy? She doesn’t get to see her Mommy very much and it would make her feel better.

Ok Mommy. I’ll share your name with my sister.

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mommy, you take better care of me than the Mommy from when I was little…but she had more animals, I liked that.

                     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Chase, I got a Daddy and another Mommy for Christmas!

Christmas is OVER Maddie

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are slowly making our way through this huge change in our family. Being a step parent for sure has a learning curve. It helps that we don’t have to deal with her mother, who is currently in jail. I breaks my heart to see just how badly this little girl wants a Mommy and a Daddy, and we are doing our best to give it to her.

First Sleepover

Stuck together like glue at all times.

Last night I dreamt that we lost Jimmy. Not lost as in turn your head in the store and he is gone…but lost. I don’t remember the details of how, but the aftermath is clear in my head. The whole process. Veiwing the body. Picking clothes for the funeral. The pain in my chest as I tried to breathe through the grief. It was all so real.

I woke with tears on my pillow and sweat matted my hair to my head. I slowly pulled myself to a sitting position and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I hung my head and gathered the strenght to get up and go check on the boys. I was in that unsettling space between sleep and wakefullness and I couldn’t be sure if I had been dreaming or that my baby was gone.

I walked slowly to the boys room and silently pushed open the door. Chase was curled up all the way in the top of his bed, his thumb in his mouth. I looked to the other side of the room and saw the little hump of life that is my Jimmy, sleeping with his bottom up in the air and feet tucked under his body.

The relief  I felt was palpable. My eyes watered again and my breath came out in a large sigh. I walked over to his crib and laid my hand on his back to just to feel him breathe.

While the weight was lifted off my shoulders in the early light of dawn this morning…I am reminded of my friends who don’t get to wake from their nightmares. I think of you often girls…and I carry you in my heart.

It’s been over a month since I began to take a daily medication to combat my anxiety. Those first couple days were hell. Like a forever of Barney, brussel sprouts and the cast of Jersey Shore type of hell. It was basically unbearable and I was damn close to throwing in the towel.

Well…I made it through those first couple weeks. I made it through the insomnia. I made it through the back to back to back panic attacks. I made it through the constant lump in my throat that pushed against my will to breathe. I made it through walking around with my shoulders practically touching my ears I was wound up so tight.

I have just increased my dosage, though I am still considered to be on a fairly low dose. I am feeling so much better. I don’t dread coming home from work anymore, away from the ever accessible Emergency Room. I don’t lay in bed and count my heart beats, convinced my heart is beating too slow. I don’t constantly obsess about how I feel.

I still feel like crap sometimes, and I am still taking a fast acting anti-anxiety at least once a day. I still have chest pain, and I have a follow up at the cardiologist in a couple weeks to make sure there isn’t anything that was missed at my appointment in March. I am doing the best I can to get my health under control. MY control. For the first time in almost 6 years I feel like I am functioning on a fairly normal level.

It feels damn good.

So I am pretty sure these three are related…what do you think?

I’m thinking yes!

Jimmy,

Today you are two.

You aren’t quite two yet…not until 2:23 this afternoon, but close enough. You’ll never listen to that argument anyway so why bother with it now.

In the last two years you have gone from a very cranky, colicky, screaming, unhappy baby to a very happy little man. You still aren’t really talking too much, you much prefer your crazy babbling. You know a lot of words but you are SO stubborn. You just shake your head and say “no” when I request you perform like a circus bear.

You are mischievous to the core Jimmy-Jam. There is nothing safe. No cabinet left unexplored, nt counter top not reached on to. When you are doing something you know you shouldn’t you look over your shoulder at me with this face. I can’t even explain it, but it is pure Dennis the Menace and you know it.

You love your brother something fierce. Wherever he goes, you follow. You are as loved by him as he is by you baby. I promise. There may be times when you won’t always get along so well…but you are brothers and the best of friends. You run to him when you want a hug and then pull his hair a minute later. You two are the best.

These last few months have been so crazy for us, and you have handled it beautifully little man. You were introduced to your big sister and you already adore her. You let her carry you around, and you let her put your hair in pig tails. You have done so well with sharing your Mommy and Daddy with this new person and haven’t shown any jealousy. I am so proud of you.

You eat all day long Jimmy. No lie. From the second you wake up until you fall asleep…you are eating. It doesn’t matter what it is, you are not picky in the slightest. Yet you still fall right in the middle for percentiles of boys your age. You for sure got your metabolism from your father. Be thankful for that one my love.

You have the greatest smile and some of the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I know I am a bit biased, being that I grew you and all…but really. You do.

Your Daddy, Chase and I love you so much Jimmy. You keep us on our toes and laughing. You never cease to amaze us with your antics and I hope you never do.

I love you baby man.

Love Mommy

I have a step-daughter named Maddie. She will be 5 on the 28th of this month…one day after my Jimmy turns 2.

I don’t know that I have ever spoken of her my name on this blog. Mainly because up until a couple months ago, we hadn’t seen her since she was nine months old. It is a long story, full of bad decisions and mistakes on the part of many people. Maddie was born three months into Jim and I dating…we were unaware of her existence until Domestic Relations told us so when she was about 4 months. It was a whirlwind after that and her mother made it practically impossible for my husband to have a relationship with her.

Maddie now lives with her grandmother and is back in our lives. She is such a sweet little girl. Chase loves her to bits and tells anyone who will listen about “my sister, Maddie!”. We have been able to see her about once a week since November and it has been amazing getting to know her. She is amazingly open to us and we have an amazing time while she is here…slowly finding out way into becoming a family.

We have a lot of guilt mixed in with all the happiness. It turns out that Maddie has been pushed to the side a lot and is really behind on pretty much everything. She also has a couple health issues that should have been addressed when she was a toddler but her mother ignored. Thankfully she is getting the care and attention that she needs now and will never be in that situation again.

It’s such a bizarre situation and is turning out so differently than I ever imagined. I thought it would be so weird for me to have her here, and that it would break my heart to hear her call Jim “Daddy”, like somehow it was taking away from the boys. Instead, tonight she spent thirty minutes brushing my hair and gossiping about her cats. Every time I hear say “my daddy” my heart swells with love. I am lucky to have Jim as a partner and he is an amazing father. She deserves to benefit from his love, and the love of her brothers, who think she is hysterical. It’s so odd…because I love her too and I didn’t expect to. I didn’t expect her to fill some of the hole that I think I will always have from having boys and no girls.

So…after a long wait I give you the first picture taken ever of the three of the kiddies, but don’t worry, there will be plenty more.