Hi ladies!

Welcome to my bizzity blog, glad you are here and hope to see you back soon. Have fun poking around (heehee Jenn….I said poke) and I hope you enjoy it. My posting has been a bit sporatic lately with nursing school and 3 kids and work and and and…I think thats enough.

I promise to do better though! I’m going to get back on my twice a week schedule, I promise!

OH…and guess who will be headed back to NYC for Blogher12? THIS GIRL.

Some of you may remember last March when I posted about taking Friends of Maddie packs to the NICU at the hospital I work for. The pack that I took that day was for Charlotte, a incredible little spirit born at just 24 weeks gestation. I have known her father since high school and immediately reached out to Heather after I heard of her birth. Since that first day I have taken twelve packs into the NICU and spent time with twelve families who just needed someone to remember that they were there…and that their babies were fighting.

Today Charlotte is doing amazingly well. Her mama was kind enough to write this post for me, so that I could give something back to all the people who have donated to this amazing cause. So you could see what that 25$ really becomes…Hope. I am so proud and grateful to be a part of helping to carry on this legacy and to be a part of Friends Of Maddie.

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I saw it hanging there, on the IV pole, for a few days before a nurse told me it was for us. Our daughter lay sleeping in the isolette inches away from that bag, hanging on to her life as precariously as the bag itself hung. We were new to this world of the NICU and although I assumed the bag was for us, I didn’t want to touch it until someone told me it was OK. There were so many things in that hospital which were not to be touched, and I was so hesitant to do anything. I was so scared of doing anything. Anything at all.

A nurse assured me it was OK to look through the bag. Taking it off the IV pole, I gingerly went through the items resting in the bag. Chapstick. Mints. Lotion. A camera. Paper. Pens. A blanket. All things that would “help” us get through the NICU stay.

But it was the item I couldn’t touch, the item they couldn’t actually place within the bag that actually got us through those horrendous first weeks in the NICU. The hope. The comfort. The peace of knowing that someone, somewhere, knew we existed. We hadn’t completely disappeared into the NICU void. Someone understood that all we really needed was understanding. All we needed was someone to reach out, to offer their hand and whisper quietly, “We love you. We’re so sorry you are going through this. Please, let us help.”

None of the items in that bag could fix Charlotte. None of them could make her better, nor could they take away the pain of watching your child suffer so acutely. But those items did send a message. One of faith, one of hope, one of encouragement. A message that told us, “Others have walked this path before.” We were not naive enough to believe that all would be well, that Charlotte would be “fine”. But we knew that we had others, like Friends of Maddie, and like our own dear friend who requested the package, who would be there to share in our burden, and make our journey a little more tolerable. We knew, without a doubt, that regardless of her outcome, we would survive.

And survive we did. Not without our fair share of scars, or our moments of doubt, anger, and fear. But we’ve survived and we’ve grown. Today, Charlotte still sleeps with the blanket I found in the bag the first day. It’s been washed and used more times than I can count since I first touched it. It covered her isolette long before she was healthy enough to have a blanket touch her body, and it swaddles her chunky arms, legs and body each night as she falls asleep. Because more than survive, Charlotte thrived.

Because a friend knew of a foundation that knew our needs, we were able to thrive as well.

Please, if you can…support Friends of Maddie.

Dear Chase.

Well. You’re four.

FOUR

I’m not entirely sure I approve of this growing up business, but I know that I have to let you grow and explore…no matter how much it scares me.

You are such an amazing little boy. You have always been sweet, and that hasn’t changed much. You do have more attitude these days, but nothing I can’t handle. You are kind to your brother and siblings, and I can’t tell you how much it makes my heart swell when you reach over and hug Jimmy or push Maddie’s hair away from her eyes.

You are crazy smart. This last year it has been especially amazing to watch you grow and learn. Some of it I am sure was due to preschool, but some of it is just YOU Chase. Your natural curiostiy and need to know how things work and why things are the way the are.

This last couple months have been full of changes. Your sister lives with us full time now. While you love her and you too have an amazing relationship…I know at times you get tired of sharing me. I do my best to get in our snuggles baby…I see you. I also started a full time school schedule on top of my part time work schedule. I know you hate it. I know you want me here. I want to be here with you so bad, and it is because of you, Jimmy and Maddie that I am doing this.

You are currently going through a growth spurt and have topped 40lbs. You are tall, above my belly button. We just converted your car seat to a booster and you are so stoked on your big boy seat. You are eating and eating and eating…you are going to be tough to keep up with in a couple years!

Your imagination is a force to be reckoned with. I could watch you play trains, and cars and super heros all day long. You never retell the same story or copy play twice in a row. It is always something new.

Your birthday party is tomorrow and this is the first one you have really anticipated. You have asked me every day for the last couple weeks how many days until your party. Your lucky we love you cause you are killing us with that!

Your Daddy and I couldn’t imagine our life without you in it little man. You are part of my reason for getting up every day. You will always be my first baby, and I will always cherish the 18 months I had with you as my only baby.

We love you too the moon and back,

Mommy and Daddy

Hey ya’ll!

I reviewed a book for the BlogHer Book Club! Deborah Harkness takes us for a ride into a world of vampires, witches and daemons…

Enjoy!

My little corner of the world was given a good shake on Monday morning, as were a lot of places. 6:30 on Monday morning I am on my way to work and wondering why traffic is so bad on Rt 322. I flicked on the radio and heard there was an accident right behind my work, so I went around and came in the back way.

By 7:45 I had gotten a text from a good friend that Ryan Dunn was dead.

I’m going to open myself up to some virtual stalking here and tell you that I live, and have lived for more than half my life, in the town that spawned Bam Margera and Jackass. I have been watching these boys make home videos since well before MTV decided to make them famous. I remember watching them in the ACME parking lot running shopping carts into snow banks. I remember the first time I watched a CKY2K video and snarfed soda out of my nose when I spotted so many people I knew in it.

The whole group is a part of our everyday life here. They are sometimes a huge pain in the ass, they are sometimes jerks…but they are ours.

Ryan was ours. Ryan was the best.

I knew Ryan better than I knew the rest of them, due to a TON of mutual friends. He was one of the most sincere and happy people I have ever met. I would watch the little kids who go to the college in our town ask some of the others for pictures. While they would take the picture with fans, it mostly seemed like a chore.

Not Ryan.

That huge, happy grin was his everyday smile. He wore it for his friends, his family and his beloved Angie. He would throw his arm over your shoulder, take a picture and then give you a noogey. He would remember you the next time he saw you and buy you a drink.

I met Ryan the summer I turned 19. He was living with a co-worker of mine in town and I spent a lot of time there getting my ass schooled in shooting pool. He went and got me chicken noodle soup when I was sick. He also duct taped me into the bathroom. He was like everyone’s big brother…he could go back an forth between harrassing the hell out of you and taking care of you so fast.

I will miss him.

I am also disgusted by people digging in the crash site, looking for “souvenirs” of the accident. Someone that many people cared about may have be alive to burn in that car, and people are looking for scraps to sell on eBay. There is a special place in hell for people like that, I am sure of it. I am also disgusted by the Westboro Baptist Church saying they will protest any public memorial for Ryan. I was concerned that the memorial this past Wednesday would turn into something ugly, but thankfully they respected the private ceremony. People have the right to say goodbye,

I guess you can say we are still sort of reeling here. I drive by the site twice a day, Monday through Friday. They replaced the guardrail late this week, took out the twisted and burned piece of metal what was left after the accident. There is no fixing the trees though. They stand as eveidence of the horrendous accident and a constant reminder. I have yet to drive by and see it empty there. There are constantly people there; dropping off flowers,lighters, bottles of Jack Daniels, stuffed animals, ballooons…anything you can think of.

I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish he hadn’t had so much to drink. I wish he wasn’t such a daredevil driver. I wish Zach hadn’t been in the car with him. I wish his family wasn’t going through this right now.

I wish he wasn’t gone.

I’ve been gone and stuff. For almost two months apparently.

Oops. Sorry.

Things have been crazy. We moved, I FLEW to North Carolina to meet my grandparents ( ON A PLANE), I started the hardest summer class in the history of all creation, the kids are growing fast, I am planning Chase’s 4th! birthday party, I went part time at work, we got custody of Maddie…anything else?

I need a vacation.

All except for the super sucky school part, life is good. The trip to meet more family went really well. I fit in seamlessly with them and was so comfortable. I was spoiled and pampered and FED well for a weekend and I so needed it.

The kids are doing awesome and we are thrilled that Maddie is now a full time permenant part of our family. She is becoming such a calm, happy little girl and I am so happy to see these changes in her. She had kindergarten orientation last week and is so excited to go to her “big school”.

Chase had his end of the year program for preschool last week (oh the tears). It may have been the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life. They learned the Pledge of Allegiance and sang some cute patriotic songs. Adorable.

We are mostly settled in our new home and it is growing on me every day.We fit well here and there is actually enough room for all of us. We are very blessed that we found this house when we did and I am thankful that we found it before our custody court date.

I’m not ready for my Chase face to turn 4 next month. It’s just not time for that yet. Sigh. He is all excited, this is the first time he has really anticipated a birthday this far in advance. I love that kid so freaking much.

Ok. Gotta go do about 10 hours of school work to prepare for a beast of a test on Monday…oh and write a lab report for something to do with osmosis. I dunno.

I have been writing this post over and over in my head the last couple weeks. I just am not sure I have the words, not sure I can convey the emotion of all this. I am going to do my best, bare with me…

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Friday 3/18- I am at work and about 9:30 in the morning by cell vibrates in my pocket. I sneak it out for a look and see a 609 area code calling me. I grew up in New Jersey and know the area code, but most of my contact with people from my home state is limited to FaceBook. My stomach turned, and I had a feeling who it was.

“Hello?”

“Hi is this Allison?”

“Yes”

” Hi, this is the adoption registry in New Jersey, I have good news for you!”

“Your kidding”

“Nope, we have located your mother and are just waiting for her to fax the release and then we can give you all of her information.”

Holy. Shit.

I thanked her and hung up. I stood still within the stacks of charts of people having babies and realized I was about to get the name of my biological mother. My mother. This is something so hard to explain to someone who isn’t adopted. I was about to get answers to all my questions.

My phone rang again about 45 minutes later and it was the caseworker again, and she had the info. She gave me my mothers name, her email and then last, her phone number.

She had the same area code as me.

Holy. Freaking. Shit.

Turns out my biological mother lives less than an hour away from me. I folded the paper I had written her info on and put it in my pocket. I tried to work, tried to concentrate but I could feel her name burning into my leg.

Dollie

I had to call her, I had to talk to her. I wanted to wait until I was done work, but there was no way that I was making it through six more hours. I had waited 27 years, it was 2 days before my 28th birthday…I had to call her.

I called. I got her voicemail and I heard my own voice talking back to me. It was uncanny.

I left her a message and went back upstairs to work. About 30 minutes later my phone was buzzing in my pocket again. My stomach lurched and I pulled out my phone, rushing out of the office.

“Hello”

“Is this Ally?”

“Yes.”

“Is this my daughter?”

“Yes.”

Then the crying commenced. We talked for a bit. I told her she has grandbabies, she told me I have a 16 year old sister and a 12 year olf brother. She gave me the name of my father. We talked for a while and set up plans to meet the next day, the day before my birthday.

The meeting went well. It was awkward and comfortable and all sorts of emotions mixed in together. She brought me pictures of my siblings, and I found my little sister looks a lot like me. She told me I look a lot like my father’s sister. We spent some time just playing question and answer about the past and some time talking about the present.

We left after a few hours, and she gave me a beautiful carved angel for my birthday. We didn’t make plans to meet again, we decided to take it slow.

Tuesday 3/22 I found my father’s sister on FaceBook. I emailed her with the whole cliche. “Hi, you don’t know me, but I’m your brother’s daughter who was put up for adoption at birth”

Yikes.

The response I got was awesome, she welcomed me into the family and I gave her my number to pass on to her brother. Who guess what? Lives about 45 minutes in the other direction from Dollie.

Holy. Mother. Loving. Freaking. Shit.

Within 4 hours I was talking to my biological father on the phone. By that time my brain was spinning and I felt like I needed to retreat for a while. I had no less than 30 friend requests…people I had never met but who had always known about me. I was hearing that I had actually been found by my mother’s family when I was 5…but they never made contact and left me be. I have and aunt and an uncle who are younger than me. I felt like I was suffocating in all this family.

So I did just that. I backed off for a bit. Other than the daily “good morning” text from Dollie and the occasional email to my maternal grandparents in North Carolina, I didn’t reach out. I wasn’t rude, if I was contacted I replied…but I was feeling stretched very thin and needed to concentrate on MY family. Jim, Chase, Jimmy and Maddie. They are my first priority.

I slowly felt myself coming back to terms and this past Sunday I met my siblings and Dollie met her grandchildren. It was a fun, laid back afternoon.

On 5/12 I am getting on a plane to North Carolina to meet a ton of family I never knew I had. This is going to be really hard for me, not only am I going to be surrounded by people who have always known about me and me never about them…but I have to get on a plane. I am going to do it, this is all important to me.

I’m sure this story will continue. I do not for one minute take for granted what I have been able to experiance. Many adult adoptees never meet their families. Many times if they do find them, they don’t want to meet…don’t want to know them. I have been welcomed with open arms from people on both sides of the family and I am so grateful.

Ally, can I call you Mommy since I don’t have a Mommy at my house anymore?

Sure baby, call me whatever you want.

Thanks Mommy!

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Chase, would it be OK if Maddie calls me Mommy? She doesn’t get to see her Mommy very much and it would make her feel better.

Ok Mommy. I’ll share your name with my sister.

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Mommy, you take better care of me than the Mommy from when I was little…but she had more animals, I liked that.

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Hey Chase, I got a Daddy and another Mommy for Christmas!

Christmas is OVER Maddie

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We are slowly making our way through this huge change in our family. Being a step parent for sure has a learning curve. It helps that we don’t have to deal with her mother, who is currently in jail. I breaks my heart to see just how badly this little girl wants a Mommy and a Daddy, and we are doing our best to give it to her.

First Sleepover

Stuck together like glue at all times.

Last night I dreamt that we lost Jimmy. Not lost as in turn your head in the store and he is gone…but lost. I don’t remember the details of how, but the aftermath is clear in my head. The whole process. Veiwing the body. Picking clothes for the funeral. The pain in my chest as I tried to breathe through the grief. It was all so real.

I woke with tears on my pillow and sweat matted my hair to my head. I slowly pulled myself to a sitting position and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I hung my head and gathered the strenght to get up and go check on the boys. I was in that unsettling space between sleep and wakefullness and I couldn’t be sure if I had been dreaming or that my baby was gone.

I walked slowly to the boys room and silently pushed open the door. Chase was curled up all the way in the top of his bed, his thumb in his mouth. I looked to the other side of the room and saw the little hump of life that is my Jimmy, sleeping with his bottom up in the air and feet tucked under his body.

The relief  I felt was palpable. My eyes watered again and my breath came out in a large sigh. I walked over to his crib and laid my hand on his back to just to feel him breathe.

While the weight was lifted off my shoulders in the early light of dawn this morning…I am reminded of my friends who don’t get to wake from their nightmares. I think of you often girls…and I carry you in my heart.

It’s been over a month since I began to take a daily medication to combat my anxiety. Those first couple days were hell. Like a forever of Barney, brussel sprouts and the cast of Jersey Shore type of hell. It was basically unbearable and I was damn close to throwing in the towel.

Well…I made it through those first couple weeks. I made it through the insomnia. I made it through the back to back to back panic attacks. I made it through the constant lump in my throat that pushed against my will to breathe. I made it through walking around with my shoulders practically touching my ears I was wound up so tight.

I have just increased my dosage, though I am still considered to be on a fairly low dose. I am feeling so much better. I don’t dread coming home from work anymore, away from the ever accessible Emergency Room. I don’t lay in bed and count my heart beats, convinced my heart is beating too slow. I don’t constantly obsess about how I feel.

I still feel like crap sometimes, and I am still taking a fast acting anti-anxiety at least once a day. I still have chest pain, and I have a follow up at the cardiologist in a couple weeks to make sure there isn’t anything that was missed at my appointment in March. I am doing the best I can to get my health under control. MY control. For the first time in almost 6 years I feel like I am functioning on a fairly normal level.

It feels damn good.