I’m no good at letting go or saying goodbye. I go around and around in circles, trying to find a way to avoid the pain that accompanies those final acts. This applies to pretty much anything, from giving away baby clothes to attending funerals. Last month my family and I said farewell to our little doggie-man, Tucker. 

I have some guilt about not being in the room as he was being put down. I had the boys that morning, so my attendance wasn’t really possible, but I can’t say that I would have been able to be there anyway. I just couldn’t watch my 4 year old dog go from a lively, energetic pup to still and silent. I just couldn’t.

We chose to have Tucker individually cremated, and we recently received his ashes. Now I feel as though I am at square one, and have to find a way to say goodbye all over again. We are struggling to decide how we wish to lay his ashes, to scatter them or to bury the box that contains them. We moved three times in the four years we owned him, so I don’t feel as though he had a special place that I would want to scatter him. I am leaning towards a burial, since then I could put one of his special things with him, and that would make the spot more his.

Tucker was a huge part of our life, and this final act means alot to Jim and I. I am really unsure of what to do, this is my first time as an adult having a pet pass and I really want to do something special for him. For now he is in our office on a bookshelf, waiting for his final resting place. This morning I took him out and took a final picture of what is tangibly my dog, with Maddie’s purple flowers in the background.