It’s been three months since I last posted. Oops!

Bad blogger. No cookie.

I have been productive in the last three months though! Who got a B her first semester of nursing school? THIS GIRL.

The kiddies are doing fantastic and are very anxiously awaiting Santa. We are going all out this year and I can’t wait to see their faces on Christmas morning. They are just going to be through the moon, I think I am more excited than they are at this point because I know what is coming.

School is going well for the littles. Jimmy goes two days a week and Chase goes three days a weeks to our local YMCA and Maddie goes to Kindergarten. She had her little Christmas concert last week and it rought tears to my eyes to see her on that stage, so happy and confident, ringing her bell with gusto.

J is in jail still and probably will be there for a while longer. At least until March or so. Maddie has some issues with it all, but will be starting to talk to her guidence conselor at school to see if she will talk about any of it with her.

Nursing school is going well. I absolutely love it and can’t wait to get back in there and learn more. I am happy to have four weeks off from school, but there is something about being in the hospital with my patients that just fullfils me in a way nothing else has ever done.

Ok, I need to go get my baking pants on, which ironically look an awful lot like my eating pants….just sayin.

When we first started having Maddie more often this past winter, we knew that we were headed in the direction of having her full time. She was living with her 86 year old great grandmother, and while she was doing an amazing job with her…she needed to be with us. Her mother, J, has been basically out of the picture for almost a year at that point and after talking it through with her Gram we decided to go to court. Not really because we needed to…but to protect Maddie from J and her crap ass decision making.

The court date came and went and my husband was awarded full physical custody of Miss Maddie Cakes. I spent a bagillion hours on google trying to figure out the difference between legal custody, physical custody, primary custody and partial custody. I was just so untrusting of this piece of paper, and was so sure that somehow… J would get her back.

Being Maddies stepmom has been a joy and a challange. It is frustrating as hell, but there is something unique and very beautiful about our relationship.

 She is my daughter.

It’s hard though. It’s hard when she asks if it is her fault that J is in jail, and if she is mad at her. It’s hard when she asks why she isn’t baptized like the boys. It’s hard to not have baby pictures of her. It’s hard when she crys because her last name isn’t the same as her brothers. It’s hard when I have to explain the situation to doctors and pull out the paperwork from Jim saying I have permission to authorize care.

The changes that we have seen in this little girl in the last nine months are amazing. She used to be a timid, unsure, socially awkward little lady. She couldn’t identify the letters in the alphabet. She couldn’t put together a simple 9 piece puzzle.

Today she is a confident little girl. She has glasses. She goes to kindergarten and writes her name. She is a cheerleader. She is a big help around the house and an amazing big sister.

We love her so much, and she loves us too.

This has been an INSANE few weeks.

HELLO HAPPY PILLS.

My last day of work was uneventful, which is the best kind. Then I dropped my iPhone4 in the toilet. I didn’t really drop it so much as it JUMPED out of the pocket of my dress pants. At least I hadn’t pooped.

Anyway. It’s dead and I am avoiding going to the King Of Prussia mall with EVERY ounce of my being because that place scares me. So in the mean time I am using my very old Blackberry and my soul hurts. Sigh.

Maddie started Kindergarten on the 29th. It almost didn’t happen thanks to Hurricane Irene, but luckily the electric company was able to get the schools up and running so that they could start on time. Mothers all over the county were clapping with joy when the call came in. She did awesome and loves it. She already has 3 boyfriends, her favorite being “Julian” who she talks about non stop and apparently he saves her from monsters in her dreams. She is going to be trouble.

The 29th was also my first official day of nursing school which is the main reason I have fallen off the face of the earth. Holy Hell. This be hard. I am enjoying it, but it is A TON of work and takes a lot of my time. Our family has been super awesome at helping with the kids so that I can get my study time in.

The boys start Pre-school next week so more to come on that insanity. OH and Jimmy potty trained! Two and a half years old and for the first time in over 4 years I am not changing diapers. Thank the sweet baby Jesus.

Maddie also had her first cheerleading game this last weekend and that was an adventure. Five and six year old girls cheering is a little painful and makes my ADHD flare, but they are freaking adorable and that makes up for a lot.

I also have a new addiction. It’s a facebook page for my county that allows you to buy and sell items within the county. I have made 500 dollars since last week selling the kids old clothes and some baby items.

HELLO BLOGHER12.

Ok, someone is crying, someone is yelling for toilet paper and I think the washer machine may have just blown up. I’ll be back.

Friday was my last day at work.

I am not actively looking for another job, or transfering.

I am going to be home with the kids during the day, with school at night and on the weekends. It is still going to be a lot, between kindergarten, 2 sets of pre school, cheerleading, soccor and mighty mite sports…but I’m so excited to do it!

Hopefully I will have less days like this

And many more days like these…

I love my puppy pile.

Chase’s 4th birthday party was teh awesome. Seriously. I had so much fun! We decided this year that between school and work and the craziness of three kids that we would have his party at a little kids gym up the road. I had heard good things about it, and really wanted to try it out. They did SUCH a good job!

Chase loving the rock wall

Jimmy playing, with Maddie-cakes in the back

When it came time for them to sing Happy Birthday, the girl running the party snuck Chase back into a back room. Another girl started asking all the kids if they knew where Chase was. Nobody knew! Then “Life is a Highway” from Cars starts blaring on the speaker and out comes Chase!

 

Then of course there was the cupcakes and singing.

 

 

It was an amazing day and it will be hard to top for Maddie and Jimmy’s party in January!

 

 

Hi ladies!

Welcome to my bizzity blog, glad you are here and hope to see you back soon. Have fun poking around (heehee Jenn….I said poke) and I hope you enjoy it. My posting has been a bit sporatic lately with nursing school and 3 kids and work and and and…I think thats enough.

I promise to do better though! I’m going to get back on my twice a week schedule, I promise!

OH…and guess who will be headed back to NYC for Blogher12? THIS GIRL.

Some of you may remember last March when I posted about taking Friends of Maddie packs to the NICU at the hospital I work for. The pack that I took that day was for Charlotte, a incredible little spirit born at just 24 weeks gestation. I have known her father since high school and immediately reached out to Heather after I heard of her birth. Since that first day I have taken twelve packs into the NICU and spent time with twelve families who just needed someone to remember that they were there…and that their babies were fighting.

Today Charlotte is doing amazingly well. Her mama was kind enough to write this post for me, so that I could give something back to all the people who have donated to this amazing cause. So you could see what that 25$ really becomes…Hope. I am so proud and grateful to be a part of helping to carry on this legacy and to be a part of Friends Of Maddie.

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I saw it hanging there, on the IV pole, for a few days before a nurse told me it was for us. Our daughter lay sleeping in the isolette inches away from that bag, hanging on to her life as precariously as the bag itself hung. We were new to this world of the NICU and although I assumed the bag was for us, I didn’t want to touch it until someone told me it was OK. There were so many things in that hospital which were not to be touched, and I was so hesitant to do anything. I was so scared of doing anything. Anything at all.

A nurse assured me it was OK to look through the bag. Taking it off the IV pole, I gingerly went through the items resting in the bag. Chapstick. Mints. Lotion. A camera. Paper. Pens. A blanket. All things that would “help” us get through the NICU stay.

But it was the item I couldn’t touch, the item they couldn’t actually place within the bag that actually got us through those horrendous first weeks in the NICU. The hope. The comfort. The peace of knowing that someone, somewhere, knew we existed. We hadn’t completely disappeared into the NICU void. Someone understood that all we really needed was understanding. All we needed was someone to reach out, to offer their hand and whisper quietly, “We love you. We’re so sorry you are going through this. Please, let us help.”

None of the items in that bag could fix Charlotte. None of them could make her better, nor could they take away the pain of watching your child suffer so acutely. But those items did send a message. One of faith, one of hope, one of encouragement. A message that told us, “Others have walked this path before.” We were not naive enough to believe that all would be well, that Charlotte would be “fine”. But we knew that we had others, like Friends of Maddie, and like our own dear friend who requested the package, who would be there to share in our burden, and make our journey a little more tolerable. We knew, without a doubt, that regardless of her outcome, we would survive.

And survive we did. Not without our fair share of scars, or our moments of doubt, anger, and fear. But we’ve survived and we’ve grown. Today, Charlotte still sleeps with the blanket I found in the bag the first day. It’s been washed and used more times than I can count since I first touched it. It covered her isolette long before she was healthy enough to have a blanket touch her body, and it swaddles her chunky arms, legs and body each night as she falls asleep. Because more than survive, Charlotte thrived.

Because a friend knew of a foundation that knew our needs, we were able to thrive as well.

Please, if you can…support Friends of Maddie.

Dear Chase.

Well. You’re four.

FOUR

I’m not entirely sure I approve of this growing up business, but I know that I have to let you grow and explore…no matter how much it scares me.

You are such an amazing little boy. You have always been sweet, and that hasn’t changed much. You do have more attitude these days, but nothing I can’t handle. You are kind to your brother and siblings, and I can’t tell you how much it makes my heart swell when you reach over and hug Jimmy or push Maddie’s hair away from her eyes.

You are crazy smart. This last year it has been especially amazing to watch you grow and learn. Some of it I am sure was due to preschool, but some of it is just YOU Chase. Your natural curiostiy and need to know how things work and why things are the way the are.

This last couple months have been full of changes. Your sister lives with us full time now. While you love her and you too have an amazing relationship…I know at times you get tired of sharing me. I do my best to get in our snuggles baby…I see you. I also started a full time school schedule on top of my part time work schedule. I know you hate it. I know you want me here. I want to be here with you so bad, and it is because of you, Jimmy and Maddie that I am doing this.

You are currently going through a growth spurt and have topped 40lbs. You are tall, above my belly button. We just converted your car seat to a booster and you are so stoked on your big boy seat. You are eating and eating and eating…you are going to be tough to keep up with in a couple years!

Your imagination is a force to be reckoned with. I could watch you play trains, and cars and super heros all day long. You never retell the same story or copy play twice in a row. It is always something new.

Your birthday party is tomorrow and this is the first one you have really anticipated. You have asked me every day for the last couple weeks how many days until your party. Your lucky we love you cause you are killing us with that!

Your Daddy and I couldn’t imagine our life without you in it little man. You are part of my reason for getting up every day. You will always be my first baby, and I will always cherish the 18 months I had with you as my only baby.

We love you too the moon and back,

Mommy and Daddy

Hey ya’ll!

I reviewed a book for the BlogHer Book Club! Deborah Harkness takes us for a ride into a world of vampires, witches and daemons…

Enjoy!

My little corner of the world was given a good shake on Monday morning, as were a lot of places. 6:30 on Monday morning I am on my way to work and wondering why traffic is so bad on Rt 322. I flicked on the radio and heard there was an accident right behind my work, so I went around and came in the back way.

By 7:45 I had gotten a text from a good friend that Ryan Dunn was dead.

I’m going to open myself up to some virtual stalking here and tell you that I live, and have lived for more than half my life, in the town that spawned Bam Margera and Jackass. I have been watching these boys make home videos since well before MTV decided to make them famous. I remember watching them in the ACME parking lot running shopping carts into snow banks. I remember the first time I watched a CKY2K video and snarfed soda out of my nose when I spotted so many people I knew in it.

The whole group is a part of our everyday life here. They are sometimes a huge pain in the ass, they are sometimes jerks…but they are ours.

Ryan was ours. Ryan was the best.

I knew Ryan better than I knew the rest of them, due to a TON of mutual friends. He was one of the most sincere and happy people I have ever met. I would watch the little kids who go to the college in our town ask some of the others for pictures. While they would take the picture with fans, it mostly seemed like a chore.

Not Ryan.

That huge, happy grin was his everyday smile. He wore it for his friends, his family and his beloved Angie. He would throw his arm over your shoulder, take a picture and then give you a noogey. He would remember you the next time he saw you and buy you a drink.

I met Ryan the summer I turned 19. He was living with a co-worker of mine in town and I spent a lot of time there getting my ass schooled in shooting pool. He went and got me chicken noodle soup when I was sick. He also duct taped me into the bathroom. He was like everyone’s big brother…he could go back an forth between harrassing the hell out of you and taking care of you so fast.

I will miss him.

I am also disgusted by people digging in the crash site, looking for “souvenirs” of the accident. Someone that many people cared about may have be alive to burn in that car, and people are looking for scraps to sell on eBay. There is a special place in hell for people like that, I am sure of it. I am also disgusted by the Westboro Baptist Church saying they will protest any public memorial for Ryan. I was concerned that the memorial this past Wednesday would turn into something ugly, but thankfully they respected the private ceremony. People have the right to say goodbye,

I guess you can say we are still sort of reeling here. I drive by the site twice a day, Monday through Friday. They replaced the guardrail late this week, took out the twisted and burned piece of metal what was left after the accident. There is no fixing the trees though. They stand as eveidence of the horrendous accident and a constant reminder. I have yet to drive by and see it empty there. There are constantly people there; dropping off flowers,lighters, bottles of Jack Daniels, stuffed animals, ballooons…anything you can think of.

I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish he hadn’t had so much to drink. I wish he wasn’t such a daredevil driver. I wish Zach hadn’t been in the car with him. I wish his family wasn’t going through this right now.

I wish he wasn’t gone.